Brian's Adventures In Cowtown

I'm Lazy...But This Is Still Funny

2007-03-23T09:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I haven't gotten around to summarizing the story behind the EIEIOFL - but until I do, here's a site that deals with the incredibly true tale of the Mahoning Valley HitMen...

http://mvhitmen.wordpress.com/

Still The Funniest Thing I've Seen Today...

2007-03-15T11:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm looking at Our Sports Central last night - it's a generally good web site on minor league sports that suffers from too much content being shoved in your face at once, but I like looking at it to see what new teams have started up in the last couple of weeks. So I start looking into arena football and see the dozens of leagues and teams that have sprouted up seemingly overnight. After researching these leagues, I can only guess that the reason why so many have been created lately is that either:

a) Arenas have open dates that they're desperate to fill at any costs, regardless of whether or not their "tenant" actually has any money to pay them rent, or any future expectations of actually paying them at any point down the road, or:

b) Football players are so desperate to keep playing the game or get an NFL scout to look at them that they're willing to play for teams that set their corporate payday on the 5th of Never, or:

c) Both a) and b).

Which is why I find the EIEIOFL site that I mentioned last night. Being new to it, I can't really tell if the stories are 100% made up, or only 50% made up. But frankly, that's what I love about it - the world of arena football is so pathetically bizarre and twisted today that anything on this site could be 1000% true. You could have a team called the Drunk Valley Lemmings playing in the 100-seat Hank's Repo Coliseum issuing $50,000 challenges to other arena league teams - as long as they agree to play football without insurance and provide the actual football. Does any of this make sense? Who knows? Who cares? It's arena football!!!

My personal favorite EIEIO story (so far - I haven't gone into the archives yet) is this one:

--

Teen Purchases NIFL Franchise
Teen Gets Parents Approval, Moves Forward with NIFL Ownership

Robby Johnson, after being grounded by his parents in his first attempt at sports ownership, has announced plans to field an Indoor Team in Hammond in 2007.

At yesterday’s press conference, held on the Johnson’s front lawn, NIFL Commissioner Ohio Indiana declared “this is not only a proud day for the Johnson’s and their entire neighborhood, but is key as we seek high school kids of similar ambition and means for future ownership markets”. Apparently, Robby Johnson has been running a fairly successful lawn mowing business on Oak Street for the past four years, and reportedly banked just over $2600 this past Summer. Commented Commissioner Ohio Indiana “We were lucky here, obviously going forward I doubt we will be able to find potential ownership of similar established portfolios, but we are hopeful”.

Robby first announced his intent to bring an expansion team to Hammond last year. Unfortunately, this was news to Helen and Fred Johnson. According to Helen “We were fairly certain that our son was in his room studying for a History Exam, so we were taken aback to read about his silly football team in the morning paper”. Robby was grounded for the next two months. Said Fred, a man of few words “I’ll give you Indoor Football”.

So where will the Heroes play? Costs have proven exhorbitant at the local high school, in excess of $175 a game, so Robby has literally looked within. As other NIFL Teams have broken barriers and played on Tennis Courts and in Horse Stables, the Heroes will truly have a Home Field advantage. New Owner Robby Johnson states “My parents were really pissed last year, so the only way I could make this work was to have the Heroes play in our basement at home. Sure there will be some quirks at Johnson Family Stadium, but what Arena doesn’t have them.” The Field will measure 14 yards in length, and be 6 yards wide. At an Arena ceiling height of 7’ 6”, an accurate field goal kicker will be key. Final preparations are in place as the pool table, Soloflex, and bean bag chairs will be moved to the back yard this week.

--

Quite possibly, the only thing that even approaches the level of insanity in the world of arena football is the one-and-only ABA 2000 (now known as just the ABA, as they have now made it their mission to utterly destroy what little credibility the old, original ABA had in its day). Though the ABA, I think, is a little different - I have come to the conclusion that the ABA is actually run by incredibly smart people who have figured out a way to create the world's first sports franchise Ponzi scheme. It's just the suckers who buy into the league, thinking that they're going to get a chance to run/play for a successful minor league sports team, who are dumb.

In the case of these fly-by-night arena football leagues, everybody's dumb - the players for believing they'll get paid, arena owners for believing they'll have a solvent tenant, owners who believe that their franchise fee will earn them something (ie, a successful team, league promotion, profit), and league management for putting the whole stupid thing together without a solid business plan, ample financial support and a realistic outlook. It's a circle-jerk of morons.

But it sure is high comedy.

--

5:30 PM UPDATE: My God, it's all true. They may poke fun at indoor football league news left and right, but they don't make any of it up, and actually back it up with sources.

After checking the archives I've discovered what EIEIO is really all about, which just about blew my mind. I'll summarize it all later. Stay tuned.

The Funniest Thing I've Seen Today....

2007-03-14T23:33:00.000-04:00

http://www.eieiofootball.com/

Film and commentary at 11 (AM, that is).

The WUSA Strikes Back?

2007-03-12T23:03:00.000-04:00

This article caught my eye tonight as I was looking through the sports headlines. Apparently, because the abject failure of the Women's United Soccer Association (WUSA) wasn't enough, many of the same principals behind the WUSA are back with a new league called the WSI (Women's Soccer Initiative).

Particularly eye-rolling is this passage:

The league is three-quarters of the way to reaching its goal of 8 charter teams and has plans for expansion in 2009.

Okay, so wait...you don't even have enough teams to field a start-up league and you're already talking about expansion? After the the last women's soccer league failed massively, spending its entire five year budget in a matter of ONE YEAR? Have you people lost your minds?

I can only conclude that the WSI people are smoking the same ganja as the "leaders" of the latest incarnation of the American Basketball Association, a league whose business plan involves having as many franchises as Amway (only far less reliable), reaping franchise fees from them, and then running as fast as they can to the bank before the checks bounce. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Another point (minor as it may be) is that this press release specifically mentions that all its teams will play in soccer-specific stadiums. DC, however, has not built a stadium like that, nor has St. Louis (unless you want to count the bandbox that the SLU Billikens play in, which has just about enough seating for a first-grade class school trip).

I do wonder whether there'll be a return of the Bay Area CyberRays, though (no, I am not making that up. Check Wikipedia. I swear to God), my #1 Grade-A Genuine 100% favorite so-bad-it's-good team name of the last decade:

I mean, doesn't that logo just make you want to go "Boogity-boogity!" ? Oh-so-scary...

Say WHA-T?

2007-03-12T13:54:00.000-04:00

Here's very cool blog about the World Hockey Association, including video from YouTube. I managed to stumble onto it this weekend as I was looking up video of old, defunct TV stations on YouTube. Lo and behold, I find this closing video of the Hartford Whalers from WHCT-TV in Hartford:

I'm hoping that there's a USFL or ABA version out there somewhere - I get a kick out of the history of shoestring second leagues.

Okay, So I Have To Officially Be The First To Ask...

2007-03-02T00:45:00.000-05:00

What in God's name are they smoking in Pennsylvania?

This is supposed to be a baseball team, in theory.

Wow...

2007-03-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

I always knew the Empire Carpets commercial originally had actual human beings in it, but I never saw one until tonight.

I Fully Approve Of This Commercial...

2007-03-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping that Washington Post Radio takes up this idea for advertising Nationals broadcasts. Also, I hope this leads to us being called the "God Squad". It would be uber-cool to describe your season as "We're on a mission from God."

It's GOLD, Lugi! Comedy GOLD!!!

2007-01-31T23:46:00.000-05:00

http://www.dclugi.tv. Go there.

Got 14 Minutes To Spare?

2007-01-29T13:51:00.002-05:00

This is hilarious. Go listen. Now.

14 Minutes of Desperation:
http://www.1337videos.com/~icyaxe/Jason/PhoneMachine.mp3

UPDATE: And the well-meaning denouement...

http://beckiebootwo.unixdaemons.com/ava/wtf/wtf05.mp3

TV Bitching

2007-01-28T00:32:00.000-05:00

What's Playing In My Head: "Back On A Mission", by Cirrus

Quote of the Day: "I may have a face for radio, but you, sir, have a brain for television." - Freelance Genius

Back when I was in Charlottesville the first time (as in, when I was a student), I watched a lot of TV. I mean, a LOT of TV. Staying up until 4 am watching Comedy Central was a way of life. The 2 am repeat of South Park was a nightly yard marker en route to another late night. This was my life, people.

Post-graduation, it wasn't any different. After work, I'd get down in front of the TV and not get up until it was way past time to go to bed. Laptop locked on to the internet, TV in the background. I'd watch everything. I'd watch TV shows that I wasn't even vaguely, remotely interested in - as long as the warm glow of the TV was there, it was all good. God, I even watched American Idol.

Am I getting old? Or is TV just obsolete?

I'm sitting here in front of a fire with a 26-inch classic TV in front of me, waiting to be turned on. But I'm not. Why? I don't really care. I don't mean that I don't care about the reason, I mean that I don't really care about anything that could possibly be on right now, so why would I do that in the first place?

With very few exceptions (24, ER, Boston Legal, etc.), anything I really want to watch on TV I can download and watch later. I can get the newest theater-quality movies online, or on DVD. Even those shows I catch on TV I can watch later on. And the stuff I don't want to watch...I miss. Besides, most of the stuff I do want to watch wouldn't be on TV anyway. Any way you slice it, I just download it to my computer, transfer to my iAudio (think video iPod without the general Apple crappiness and proprietary Apple music format) and watch whenever I've got a slow afternoon. Or listen to it in the car on the way to and from work.

I know this theory has some flaws. If TV didn't exist, TV shows probably wouldn't get made, or at least not as many. You can't watch what doesn't exist. And then there's sports, which do add some value to TV.

But seriously, I don't really care what's on most of the time. And the worst thing is that the fraction of new shows I do like have this crappy habit of getting canned just as things start getting good. ABC is the worst at that, canning both DayBreak and InJustice in the last year (what, is it something about two-word shows pushed into one?). It's enough to make you kick your TV screen in.

I don't know what it is. Maybe TV is just crap.

Or maybe I'm just getting old.

The New Punky QB?

2007-01-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

Ummmmm....

2007-01-18T20:21:00.001-05:00

Did you ever have that feeling that one of your favorite comic strips is being drawn by former Cavalier Daily cartoonist Sean Polyn? Yeah, me too.

Observe:

LULU EIGHTBALL by "Emily Flake"

SHALLOW GRAVE by Sean Polyn

She's a MAN, baby! Yeah!

For The Obsessed 24 Fan In Your Household...

2007-01-18T20:10:00.000-05:00

THERE'S NO TIME!!! NOW!!!

Did I Post This Before?

2007-01-16T14:06:00.000-05:00

To a guy who was forced to use Macs in high school journalism for years, this video is sweet catharsis.

Someone's Reading This?

2007-01-12T17:13:00.000-05:00

What's Playing In My Head: "Hello, Hello", by Brown Sauce

Quote of the Day: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams

While I wasn't looking, someone read my blog. This is, of course, totally unexpected and unusual. I will quote Mediocre Fred:

And I got chortles aplenty from his attempt to lay down some rules for posting videos on YouTube. As I have never actually watched anything on YouTube (except for the video on Brian's site), I will defer to his knowledge. As as economics nerd, though, I did want to take issue with one thing he said:

It's like there's no incentive to put out quality work. You'd think that the incredible accessibility of a site that allows anybody, anywhere to share videos that they created with hard work and talent would encourage amateur filmmakers to put out solid productions, constantly one-upping each other until the line between amateur video and professional video is practically non-existent.

I don't see why that would be true. In the information marketplace, the existence of sites like YouTube reduces the barriers to entry, which only creates a wider range of options, not necessarily a better one.

He is, of course, correct.

What gets me is how often I see computer ads (especially ones for the ever-smug Mac, which needs to be drop-kicked) about how easy it is to make pro-quality videos. Then I look online and see that someone told the Huns about the iMac.

After thinking about this over the weekend, I've come to the conclusion that one of the problems is this: cheap, low-end video "equipment" (ie, webcam, stick mic, Handicam, etc.) is way too accessible and affordable, while high-grade stuff is way out of the reach of Joe Average. That leads to low-quality people making low-quality product with low-quality equipment, more or less because they can. I guess it's pretty much the same as the early days of radio, when anyone with a rudimentary understanding of electronics and enough pocket change to send off for a radio kit could be a broadcasting star.

The only thing is, I don't think this is a fad. As long as there are 14-year-old high school versions of Beavis and dateless wonder anime fans, crap videos will exist and flourish on sites like YouTube. Which will, in turn, ensure that I will repeately pull my eyeballs out of their sockets in disgust.

On the other hand, there's a new DCLugi video and a new God, Inc. out. So life ain't all bad.

--

UPDATE: First comment I see on the DCLugi vid:

"I think the problem is that a few talented people exist on YouTube, but it's wading through the crap to find them that's the problem."

Shazzam.

This, On The Other Hand, Is G-D Funny...

2007-01-09T00:24:00.000-05:00

I'm Back To Say...

2007-01-08T22:12:00.000-05:00

What's Playing In My Head: "KKKramer Rap" by Captain of the USS Inevitable

Quote Of The Day: "What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment...in...people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profit by seventeen per cent, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went, 'Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?', so ... Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish." - David Brent, The Office (UK)

Stop making bad videos. I mean, seriously, just fucking stop.

This has been pissing me off lately, since I've been going to YouTube more. It's like there's no incentive to put out quality work. You'd think that the incredible accessibility of a site that allows anybody, anywhere to share videos that they created with hard work and talent would encourage amateur filmmakers to put out solid productions, constantly one-upping each other until the line between amateur video and professional video is practically non-existent.

Instead, we get self-proclaimed comedians who aren't funny, lip-synchers, bad music videos and endless clip compilations junking up databases of places like YouTube. Oh, the clips.

Things need to change. Now. I will help by laying down the following rules of thumb:

If you're in high school, you should be immediately banned from posting any video you made online until you are either: a) 25 or b) old enough to have common sense enough that the video you made with your dad's Handicam in the parking lot out back of the high school is of zero interest to the general public. No exceptions.

We don't care that you had and your friends had fun making the video. How much fun you had is totally irrelevant to my enjoyment of the video. In fact, the simple fact that you mentioned that you had so much God-damned fun is a crystal-clear signal to me that I will not like the video, because obviously you're more concerned with your personal video-making experience and far less with showing why anyone should watch the damn thing in the first place.

If, in your own words, the video you're posting "sucks" and is "boring", then WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WATCH IT? Think, McFly, THINK!

Note to teenagers of America: making a YouTube video of yourself and your friends lip-synching some crap-ass song - badly - is not going to get you on American Idol or make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. It is, however, a great way to be eternally remembered as the douche kid with a webcam that spent five minutes gyrating to a song they didn't actually have the talent to sing themselves (see also: Numa Numa - my knowledge of which is a constant source of embarrassment). Good luck with that paralegal interview when you're 25. Ass.

Surprisingly, I have no problem at all with people making fan videos of Batman or Star Wars or Power Rangers or whatever. Actually, I'd like to see good ones of those. But here's a clue: when shooting your low-budget fan video, TAKE TWO SECONDS TO NOT FUCKING SHOOT IN YOUR BACKYARD WITH YOUR DOG RUNNING THROUGH THE SHOTS, OR ON THE JV SOCCER FIELD WITH THE NET IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SHOT. JESUS! Take some pride in what you're doing. If you're going to try to do a video around a production that someone took years to create, refine and produce, give them the courtesy of doing it right.

If you re-edit clips of a famous TV show and call it your own work, repeating how many hours you spent editing and how hard it was, stop. Bash your head into the monitor in front of you. Repeat. Now maybe you have an ounce of common sense.

If you re-edit clips of a famous foreign TV show to the tune of an American song and call it an AMV, kill yourself.

I hope this helps.

DC's Back, Alright

2006-11-09T23:18:00.000-05:00

So I've had a shitty day at work, a dozen things are falling apart and I drove home in a pounding rain storm.

Then I saw this video and my life was all right again.

Here's the other video from this week, which is almost as fucking hilarious.

After seeing this one, I wound up throwing a few bucks his way like I always said I was going to do. He's funny and he does good work, for free. Support this guy, because he kicks ass, he's funny and he's from the DC area. The prank call one was worth the donation on its own. PayPal him a couple of bucks and he'll keep making funny videos.

Or you could do that rhino thing.

My Motto

2006-11-09T23:14:00.000-05:00

Doesn't take an auto mechanic to know when the car's a lemon.
Doesn't take a sys admin to know when the network's slow.
Doesn't take a chemist to know when the battery's dead.
Doesn't take a software programmer to know when the operating system sucks.
Doesn't take an architect to know when the building's drafty.
Doesn't take a gourmet chef to know when there's too much salt.
Doesn't take OH CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR

Fun With Flickr 3

2006-10-24T22:41:00.000-04:00

Stick Figure in Peril
Originally uploaded by sistercoyote.

Cliff! WheeEE!!

Fun With Flickr 3

2006-10-24T22:35:00.000-04:00

Warning - don't bust ass falling. IMGP3967
Originally uploaded by carlweaver.

Platform diving allowed here.

Fun With Flickr 3

2006-10-24T22:29:00.000-04:00

DSC_0912
Originally uploaded by schultzdave.

You'd think he'd get the idea that touching an electric fence is a bad idea eventually.

Fun With Flickr 3

2006-10-24T22:16:00.000-04:00

The dangers of trains
Originally uploaded by Jo Angel.

Sex with subway cars is not only prohibited but really sick.

Fun With Flickr 3

2006-10-24T22:14:00.000-04:00

Warning Triangular Shaped Voids
Originally uploaded by Nurbity Burbity.

Caution: Pinocchio may have trouble on this floor.

Fun With Flickr 3

2006-10-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

passage interdit
Originally uploaded by Yersinia.

Roleplaying the movie The Good Son in this zone is strictly forbidden.

Prog rock band photo?

2006-10-23T14:39:00.000-04:00

we are pleased
Originally uploaded by the wanton machine.

Looks like one to me.

Random Weekend Thoughts (aka, "Brian's Too Tired To Write A Real Post")

2006-10-23T14:06:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Canadian Idiot", by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Quote of the Day: "The best thing about being a Nationals fan was that we were ones before there was such a thing." - Dave Lanham

Monday morning. Time to riff for a while:

* Rummage sale went well this weekend. So well that we went back twice, once on Saturday and once on Sunday. Got a lot of great stuff, and spent under $100. For me, this is a victory of epic proportions.

I say it went well, except for the time I'm looking at CD's (bought Nirvana's Nevermind for $3. Nice.) and I hear voices over my shoulder. This is not unusual (not because I routinely hear voices in my head, but because the sale is a loud and busy place). What was unusual was that there was an aisle full of crowded people behind me and I kept hearing these voices asking each other if the price was right on this thing or that thing.

So I turn around, and there's this old couple rifling through my cart, picking up the crap I'm buying. Not old in terms of losing it, senile Admiral Stockdale who-am-I-why-am-I-here. Old in terms of old enough to know better than to pull silly crap. Here's how that went:

OLD PEOPLE: So is this $1 or $2, I can't tell...

ME: Uh...excuse me. What are you doing?

OLD PEOPLE: Do you know how much this is?

ME: This is my cart. That's why I'm holding it.

OLD PEOPLE: Oh. Sorry. Well, you should really check to make sure what this price is on this so you don't get ripped off...blah blah blah...

ME: Okay. Sure.

OLD PEOPLE: Uh...We didn't realize...

Yes, right, silly ---ing me, I forgot that they stick carts full of videos, torch lamps, a Playstation, computer games and books in a full aisle next to the CD rack with a guy holding on to it, looking at CD's. What the ---- was I thinking?

I mean, really. If you're going to try to cherry pick stuff from other people's carts, try to be a little more subtle about it.

(*) Working out sucks. I was reminded of this fact this morning after spending 10 minutes doing ab crunches. Or to be more exact, trying to move after working out sucks. I have been popping Advil all week since I started exercising again two weeks ago. This is the price, I guess, for trying in vain to avoid having a gut the size of the Hindenburg.

(*) Speaking of guts the size of the Hindenburg, Applebee's. They have a new menu out, supposedly put together by Tyler Florence of Food Network. Actually, it's more appetizing than you'd think - they've de-emphasized the fatty, deep fried crap that they're so well-known for, in favor of actual meals that might be in the same hemisphere as healthy. I may be encouraged to go back there more now, given that I I'm not forced to look forward to Deep Fried Pork Rind sandwiches with Bacon Lard au jus or some crap like that.

(*) Okay, Rachael Ray is just getting annoying. It used to be that her psycho-perky, girl-next-door attitude was somewhat endearing in a quirky sort of way. My girlfriend and I used to (and still do, occasionally) watch 30 Minute Meals every night, and it was good, mostly because the recipes usually looked good. But now, I want to pull out my hair every time I see her.

Her problem is overexposure. She has gone the Tony Kornheiser route of self-promotion, with 30 different TV shows, 50 books, a magazine, guest shots on morning shows, etc. etc. I mean, just stop.

What sparked this off? I'm in Barnes & Noble this weekend, come out of the restroom, and what do I see but a stack of Rachael Ray's magazine in the hallway. I go out to the cooking section, and there's no less than 3 Rachael Ray cookbooks. At this point, I'm half-expecting her to start doing cooking demonstrations in my kitchen.

You're no fun anymore. Enough.

Fun With Flickr 3

2006-10-23T12:57:00.000-04:00

run from the fire
Originally uploaded by badjonni.

In case of fire, scratch while running away.

Fun With Flickr 2

2006-10-23T11:11:00.000-04:00

Danger Gasman!
Originally uploaded by CREAMASTER.

Absolutely no fill-ups during nuclear holocausts. This means YOU.

Fun With Flickr 2

2006-10-23T11:09:00.000-04:00

Mama always said, don't climb on the lions
Originally uploaded by StubbyFingers.

Rappelling off the lions could lead to a nasty 3' fall.

Fun With Flickr 2

2006-10-23T10:12:00.000-04:00

Originally uploaded by 'fono.

Warning: Dr. Zaius may trip on errantly placed triangles.

Fun With Flickr 2

2006-10-23T10:09:00.000-04:00

peril in eden
Originally uploaded by mappamundi.

Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Fun With Flickr 2

2006-10-23T09:59:00.000-04:00

Acid Dispenser?
Originally uploaded by Happy Tinfoil Cat.

HOT

BURN

DEAD!!!

Fun With Flickr 2

2006-10-23T09:58:00.000-04:00

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland
Originally uploaded by Mike Colagrosso.

Daniel-san! You must concentrate. Concentrate!

Fun With Flickr 2

2006-10-23T09:55:00.000-04:00

only a certain degree of gayness allowed
Originally uploaded by most uncool.

No jive turkeys allowed.

The Countdown Begins...

2006-10-20T20:41:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "My Doorbell", by The White Stripes

Quote of the Day: "Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers - which is why almost no technology ever works." - John Cleese

Da-da-da-da...Da-da-da-da-da...Da-da-da-da...Da-da-da-da-da-da...

(I know this is a God-awful Europe technoshit reference. I'm sorry.)

I'm like a kid on Christmas eve tonight. Why? Because tomorrow is the day that me and The Dazzling Brunette have been waiting for for almost a year, a day that holds almost as much importance in my mind as the Super Bowl, or any Game Seven in hockey or baseball (basketball doesn't count, because it sucks).

I'm talking about the one-and-only Charlottesville-Albemarle SPCA Annual Rummage Sale, the 2006 edition of which opens to the public tomorrow.

Like yesterday, let me explain.

I find that in this world, there are two kinds of people - those who will turn their noses up at buying other people's hand-me-down old crap, and those who will gladly knock over old ladies and small children for the chance to buy other people's old crap at a fraction of the price if you bought it new. Me and The Dazzling Brunette are the later. (Well, maybe not so much the knocking over old ladies and kids part)

When I was a kid, I watched a lot of Nickelodeon, like every other good kid in the 80s. Every year, they'd have this contest called the Nick Super Toy Run, where some lucky kid got the chance to run screaming through a toy store and get whatever he/she/it wanted in some ridiculously short amount of time, like 10-15 minutes. (My memory has fogged out unimportant details like this, or like whether I left the stove on, turning my house into a flaming inferno) I always wanted to win that contest and run around getting whatever free toys I wanted.

Later in life, I wound up doing basically the exact same thing at my high school all-night graduation party, where the parents association wound up throwing a bunch of free junk food and prizes out amidst the hoard of we-don't-care-no-more seniors roaming the school building. That night, amidst all the partying and pseudo-clean fun, I managed to hoard a ton of candy bars, pizza, a Poloroid camera, a Nerf football, and a bunch of other junk that's probably still buried in my parents' basement (hopefully not the pizzas).

I think the same thing's at work here - stuff like this, and used book sales and dollar stores let me go on an uncharacteristically gayish-feminine shopping streak, grabbing stuff left and right without flushing money down the crapper (in traditional gayish-feminine fashion). I can get a lot of stuff, which can be pretty cool a lot of the time, especially since a lot of the stuff you get at these places is the kind that you can't buy new because they either don't make it anymore, or it's so ass-backwardly expensive that you wouldn't buy it new in the first place.

Last year was the first year I went to the rummage sale, and it kicked ass. Except for the lines, which went out the door. But The Dazzling Brunette and I got a bunch of books, DVD's, a case for my laptop, toys for her daughter and niece, and a brand-new torch lamp, among other things, all for cheap. There's furniture and clothes there, too, but we didn't get any. We did, however, go twice (the thing lasts over a week).

Anyway...The sale starts at 11 at the old Grand furniture warehouse in town, off 5th Street Extended. The directions are here. The money from the sale goes to a good cause, too (the SPCA of Charlottesville-Albemarle), if that matters to you. I can't wait.

Maybe I'll go camp out overnight.

Fun With Flickr

2006-10-20T13:48:00.000-04:00

This way!
Originally uploaded by Sbmoot.

Superhero arsonists...This way, please. No pushing.

Fun With Flickr

2006-10-20T13:17:00.000-04:00

OK... where's that bathroom?
Originally uploaded by Sbmoot.

"So, like, this Incontinent Riverdancer party is killer."

"Totally."

"You want a beer?"

"What?"

"A beer. You want a beer?"

"No, I can't hear. There's a wall between us, you know."

Fun With Flickr

2006-10-20T13:11:00.000-04:00

Stick figure in peril
Originally uploaded by IndiepoprockJesse.

Ahhhh!!! Wavy quicksand!!!

Fun With Flickr

2006-10-20T12:46:00.000-04:00

Some sign on a car in Amsterdam
Originally uploaded by temp13rec..

Denji...Denjiman...Denji...Denjiman...

Fun With Flickr

2006-10-20T12:41:00.000-04:00

caution.JPG
Originally uploaded by Bricoleur's Daughter.

Contrary to popular belief, safety equipment will protect you from evil, bloodthirsty arrows.

Fun With Flickr

2006-10-20T12:35:00.000-04:00

boys' room
Originally uploaded by Sbmoot.

"Excuse Me, Miss, where can I find the little Riverdancer's room?"

"Why, right over there."

Fun With Flickr

2006-10-20T12:22:00.000-04:00

Hot Water 14-10-06_2137
Originally uploaded by carlweaver.

DANGER: Hot acid water on tap. Use caution in dispensing.

I'm Going To Be Even Richer

2006-10-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Battle Flag", by Lo Fidelity All-Stars

Quote of the Day: “You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus...with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.” - Bill Hicks

On the off-chance that my career selling men's cologne doesn't pan out, I have now come up with The Second Greatest Business Idea In The History Of Western Capitalism.

I was on Pantops tonight, doing what I usually do on weeknights (ie, going home). I had stopped for gas across from the Giant when I saw a darkened storefront that housed a camera shop. Dark, ostensibly, because it was closed. In the window, there was a neon sign, glowing in the dark in this seamy, amoral sort of way. That's when The Second Greatest Business Idea etc. hit me.

I'm going to start Cowtown's highest-class brothel, catering to the elite of this town. It will sit in a shopping center, camouflaged as a camera and photo developing shop, with a secret back room and basement cloaking our highly illegal (and highly profitable) activities.

I will call it The F Stop.

At night, I will personally meet all of my clients at the door, pimped-out in Gucci and Louis Vutton. Cognac will flow freely, with the kind of loud, bass-humping music that would only be found in the finest whore house. The cover charge will be a cool $50 bill.

Of course, to keep everything on the QT, we'll have to act like a real camera store during the day. I will have photo seminars on the weekends and big sales on Polaroids (the cameras, not the pictures) every Thursday. My shelves will be full of film and Nikons, so full that no one will notice the secret revolving door in the back wall.

The F Stop will quickly become the hottest piece of the underground scene in Cowtown, making me filthy rich in the process. I will then marry my world famous billionaire bikini supermodel astrophysicist girlfriend and retire to Fiji.

I am entirely too brilliant.

Parody At Its Best

2006-10-18T12:46:00.000-04:00

"Weird Al"'s latest:

I'm still laughing...

Loving Life...

2006-10-16T22:54:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Loser", by Beck

Quote of the Day: "All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow." - Dave Barry

Okay, so today's going to be a quick post, mostly because work is making my life into a professional frat rush, only with far less drinking and homoerotic overtones. (I will note that this is something I more or less predicted on Day One of this blog)

Work aside, I'm finding that life down here is more enjoyable than life back up in Northern Virginia. Compared to what I'm used to, it's sort of like taking a trip to some Caribbean island - life is a little more laid back, no one's really rushing anywhere, and the people are far less pretentious than in the DC area. This is a bizarre thing to say, given that UVA has garnered a reputation as being one of the most pretentious and snobbish public schools in the nation, but it's 100% true.

People down here, by and large, are friendly, approachable, and actually smile when you greet them. I have yet to encounter the kind of self-absorbed asshole screaming "Do you know who I am?!?" to some counter clerk at Starbucks when their latte is slow in coming that I used to see pretty much every day in DC. (Not to say that there aren't assholes down there, but they seem to be fewer in number, and are probably trust fund babies from NoVA anyway.

I guess the one thing I like the most about being down here is where I live - that is, an hour outside of Cowtown in quasi-rural Central Virginia. For someone like me, having grown up in the wilds of suburbia, being able to live without having to deal with loud traffic, jets flying overhead, neighbors and other inconveniences is a godsend. In our small neighborhood, if people don't come looking for you, no one would ever know that you're there. And people are friendly enough when you want them around, but they're not going to come bugging the crap out of you if you don't know them. It's a little like playing fort as a kid, only this version has deeds and mortgage payments.

It's very gratifying, actually enjoying your life. I highly recommend it.

PS - The Skins blow. Very hard. I will be checking Harris Teeter for brown paper bags this week. That is all.

No Soap, Radio

2006-10-12T23:40:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Take On Me", covered by Reel Big Fish

Quote of the Day: "If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" - Unknown

I've been retarded about posting the last couple of days, mostly because work has been hellishly busy and causing me to get home after 9 at night. (10 o'clock dinners? The hell you say...) I also have been retarded in not responding to k, who posted a couple of questions on the comments thing on here 2 or 3 days ago. (I'd mimic my blogging friend Mediocre Fred by saying "Loyal reader k", but that would presuppose some sort of loyalty to me, or that anyone actually reads my blog on any sort of regular basis.)

Since I'm without a post for today, and because I'm phenomenally lazy, I decided to take the easy way out and write a response to k. Sound good? Great. Away we go.

First off...great Nelson reference in this post. :)

Thank you. I've been called a virtuoso at quoting the Simpsons. The force is strong within me.

Secondly, as a radio person, I'm curious as to what it is exactly that bothers you about the BGB. When I was there, they played on average 6 to 8 songs per hour whcih is pretty standard for a music station morning drive. Is it bigger than just not playing enough music in the morning? Something about the actual content of the show that rubs you the wrong way?

Okay, here's the deal with me and BGB (yes, I do actually know the real name). I don't mind comedy shows. I've listened to one in particular - Don and Mike - since I was a brooding, sarcastic teenager (before I turned into a brooding, sarcastic adult). But this is what bugs me about BGB:

1.) This is the only real rock station in town (NRN doesn't count. If I wanted to hear 1 cut an hour from a band I've actually heard of, I'd probably go on BearShare and mash my palm on the keyboard.) What are you supposed to do for rock in the mornings when your only rock station is filled with a show that spends half of every hour not playing rock? In 2+ weeks of flipping past 3WV in the mornings, I have not once caught them actually playing a song. (My God...a song? What is this, a radio station?)

2.) The whole concept behind BGB is the usual jive-ass DJ "Whoo-whoo! Five-thirty in the AM, and you're listening to The All-New Morning Zoo!!! Starring Joe Bloe and Rice Aroni, with Jim Beam on the news, Penny Lane with traffic, and the rest of the wacky All-New Morning Zoo Breakfast Bunch!!! Stay tuned to win your chance to qualify to win an exclusive one-of-a-kind Arby's onion ring, only on the ALL-NEW POWER 105, baby!!! WHOOO!!!!!"

Insert loud, brash DJ, mix with loud, brash sidekick. Add stories "ripped from the headlines", and a fistful of obnoxious callers doing voices or their own bits. Rinse. Lather. Repeat in top 50 markets across the country. Voila. Instant headache.

3.) Honestly, I just don't find them funny. At all. I'd get more laughs out of a funeral procession (on the off-chance that someone might show up driving a bright yellow hearse). The jokes are corny, the bits are hokey, and the pacing is tired. It's like listening to a morning zoo version of The Alan Brady Show.

And I'm also curious as to how old you are and how old your girlfriend is.

Since you asked...The last time I checked my ankle tag, I was 26. My girlfriend, The Dazzling Brunette, is 27. (So far, dating an older woman has gone pretty well. She has not yet beaten me to a bloody pulp, or scratched curse words into the finish of my car, which are always good signs that a relationship is going well.) *

Personally I had a love-hate relationship with the BGB morning show (not the guys personally...love love loved them-and still do-personally). Some days they were funny as all get out. Other days I couldn't bear to listen.

I'm sure they're nice people in general. I just don't like their show. I will admit that different people like different things, but this is one thing I didn't like.

I hope that response was worth the wait. (You can stop laughing now)

--

* She has, however, given me the evil eye over the whole thinking she's totally insane thing from Monday's post. Which I fully apologize for. I intended to say that she is only partially insane. I deeply regret the error.

I'm Going To Be Rich

2006-10-10T13:09:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Message In A Bottle", by The Police

Quote of the Day: "Health nuts are gonna feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." - Redd Foxx

Occasionally, now that I'm living in the Greater Cowtown Area (TM), I'll meet my girlfriend for lunch in town. Today, we happened to go to the Italian place over in Barracks Road, Casella's. Which has pretty good food, and most importantly, no waiting in line. It received thumbs-up from both of us.

On the way out of the joint, we stopped in to Bath and Body Works, as she wanted to get some $10 body wash that smells like sugar or ice cream or newborn puppies or whatever. So I tagged along, being that I had time on my lunch hour to kill, and I know what's good for me.

Being a guy in Bath & Body Works is like being a bull in a china shop, or maybe a gay guy in a Republican convention. Either way, you're horribly out of place, and every eye in the joint is on you. I actually am quite amazed that there isn't a breathalyzer at the door that checks your estrogen level before actually allowing you to enter the place. Too much testosterone, and you have to wear a scarlet letter or maybe a radio collar so that the dressed-up sales chicks will know that you're a prime target for their new $35 celery-kumquat-passionfruit elixir facial scrub gel mask. (And did you know that if you buy three, you get one free?)

I would hate shopping on my own in Bath & Body Works, which is why I don't. Two reasons for this. One is that guys are simple. Soap is S-O-A-P. It is cheap and plentiful. It does not require a special soap store from which all soap must be purchased at exceedingly high prices. The soap store for guys is called CVS, or Target, or maybe Harris Teeter. They do sell soap there. I've seen them do it.

The second is that even if you could convince me to pay $10 for soap, Bath & Body Works seems to change their actual product lines every five minutes. You walk in there, try to get a bottle of lavender honey milk body wash for your girlfriend, and they're all "Yeeaah...We don't make that anymore. But try our new geisha fresh silk body wash with oolong tea extract...Whoa, too late. How about..."

This one big upside of this trip into $10 Soapland was that I have finally figured out The Greatest Business Idea In The History Of Western Capitalism. This resulted from the following exchange between me and my girlfriend, The Dazzling Brunette:

DB: You disappeared while I was at the register.
ME: They had pumpkin-scented body scrub in there. I was looking at it.
DB: Did you like it?
ME: No. I don't want to smell like pumpkins. I want to smell like a guy.
DB: What's a guy supposed to smell like?
ME: I don't know. Barbecue? Ribs?
DB: Ewwww.
ME: I could bottle it, like cologne - Real Man Scents (TM). Now that'd be worth ten bucks. Or fifty.
DB: I don't want to smell you smelling like barbecue.
ME: What about popcorn?
DB: That's disgusting.
ME: Okay, chocolate. Chocolate! You can't get enough of that.
DB: ...

Like the title says.

One Laptop, Slightly Mangled...

2006-10-10T09:07:00.000-04:00

I'm about to shoot my laptop, which has become infected with some stupid @&%$ing adware program that's made the thing go haywire. It also sextuple-posted my last thing about 3WV and the Yankees, which made me want to drop-kick the little trashbox of circuits this AM.

One thing I wonder, though...Other than being a total pain in the ass (which deviant computer nerds tend to be) and stealing your personal info., what good do these adware/spyware/crapware things do? If I was writing some malware garbage, the last thing I'd do is let the user know that it's on my system...

To the few actually reading this (especially those on CvilleBlogs), sorry. My laptop will pay tonight.

Start Spreading The News...

2006-10-10T01:12:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Loser" by Beck

Quote of the Day: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks

My girlfriend, The Dazzling Brunette, told me this weekend that I am wrong for not liking The Big Fat, Hairy Stupid Morning Show on 3WV. (She also delighted in poster K's mention of the Billy Bob & Butch Show, or whatever it is). After listening to this show again on the way in to work Monday morning, I have concluded that she has gone completely and utterly insane. Or, if she happens to be reading this, is actually a fluffy little basket full of sunshiney lemon drops. Aww.

I will not go on about 3WV, because it's too easy a target. Instead, I'll take all my rage and anguish over a crappy-ass morning show and direct it toward none other than the Greatest Collection of Choke-Artists, Whiners, and Frauds Known To Man (TM):

No, I'm not talking about the Redskins. Shut up.

My Name Is...(What?)

2006-10-08T23:03:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Santa Monica", by Everclear

Quote of the Day: "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns

Chikka-chikka...

Since I've started this blog, a bunch of people have e-mailed me asking why I don't use my full name on here, and why I use an initial for my last name. They also wonder who I am, what makes me tick, what kind of porn I like. Well, I'll tell you. Four out of five of those, anyway.

My real name is Brian Cricezewskiewicz. I'm half-English, half-German and half-Polish, with a soupcon of militant Czech thrown in. I'm a forensic anthropologist, and I like to practice arc welding in my spare time. My favorite show is Dancing With The Stars, and I can cook up a mean gazpacho.

I was born in upper New England, near Presque Isle, Maine. I spent my childhood playing competitive team tennis and attending boy scout jamborees. After moving to the Washington area, I went to high school in the best of Anacostia neighborhoods and learned to drive on the Suitland Parkway. I earned a full scholarship to the University of Virginia, where I studied advanced psychochemistry with a minor in molecular neurobiology. Today, I'm one of the foremost criminal investigators in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

I'm so glad I could let you all get to know me.

Oh, and as a footnote, everything I just said is complete bullshit. Thank you. *

* Gratuitous "My Cousin Vinny" reference. +

+ Pathetic attempt to sound culturally relevant.

WOPR Gone Wild

2006-10-06T02:55:00.000-04:00

Going off on a War Games tangent...definitely NSFW. (You've been warned...)

A Tale of Two Stations

2006-10-06T01:09:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Feel Good Inc.", by Gorillaz

Quote of the Day: "Oh, Lord! Hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank you for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is – she kept calling your name." - Jimmy Dugan, "A League of Their Own"

I've been listening to the radio a lot since I've come to Cowtown, mostly because my XM radio car antenna's busted, and my mp3 player needs a battery charge. (Yes, I'm lazy. Shut up.) Unfortunately, I've re-discovered something that I've known since I started coming down to Cowtown years ago: Cowtown radio blows. Hard.

I'll be fair - Cowtown radio sucks because radio anywhere sucks. It's the same mind-numbing songs, the same tired formats, and the same carbon-copy disc jockeys fresh out of the Columbia School of Broadcasting. It isn't any better in the DC area, and it isn't going to change. (This is one reason why I got satellite radio in the first place)

I will say, though, that Cowtown has got to be the last place left on the face of the fucking Earth that has an honest-to-God-gouge-your-eyes-out-rip-your-lungs-out-with-a-fork Morning Zoo. It's on 3WV, and it's called something like the Big Crap-Ass Morning Show (I'm paraphrasing here). There's a reason why these jive-ass, five-minutes-of-music-and-45-of-bullshit-blather stations died out circa 1993. And since it's on 3WV, it's a double-kick in the ass because I like rock. There's nothing more I'd like in the morning on my way to work than to have my car speakers blaring hard rock. (So 3WV, please, PLAY SOME FUCKING ROCK MUSIC IN THE MORNINGS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. Thank you.)

There's one thing that's saving Cowtown radio from itself these days, though, and that's freeform stations. Actually, Cowtown now has two of these stations: 106.1 The Corner (which started up a couple of weeks ago), and 105.5 SAM-FM. Ever since I got to Cowtown permanently, I've seen these two stations as total opposites on the radio spectrum, even though they basically do the exact same thing. Both have no DJ's, and neither one has a play list of the same 20 songs every hour. Both play lots of 80's & 90's songs, but neither one has news, traffic, weather or any of the other crap that radio suits say we're supposed to like. And both have signals that can be picked up strong in virtually any corner of Cowtown (except for Pantops, which doesn't count. Pantops never counts).

Here's the thing, though: SAM-FM and The Corner are two totally different stations. Why? Image.

SAM-FM has always reminded me of the abbreviation of some sort of secret military project, one capable of mass destruction, chaos, and oh yes, playing "Just What I Needed" by The Cars. I started listening to SAM just after it first came on in July of 2005, and I've always pictured their studios headquartered in a bunker in the hills of Orange County, with lots of WOPR-style machines with flashing lights and buttons and spinning tape wheels just like in the movie War Games. It's an automated station, so naturally, there's not a single person in sight at the SAM-FM bunker, just a lonely repeater broadcasting the same feed infinitely into the night, WGU-20 style. It's a military station, a guy's station for real guys.

The Corner is different. It's more friendly - Hey, how's it going, want to come down to The Corner, have a mocha grande and maybe listen to some music? Yeah, okay, that'd be cool, I guess. Where SAM is in a military installation, I see The Corner studios in the back of some small coffee shop where bohemian attitude comes with the plush couches, and a cup of joe with a funny name costs $4.00. Naturally, this is a place where a lot of women hang out, but they're all sort of off-beat or weird-looking, and they're surrounded by guys with names like Lance and Sergio who dress like artists and have strong opinions on women's fashion. I also see lots of newspapers and Nietzsche books lying around, being read by people who think the cartoons in the Cav Daily are funny. It's a kinder, gentler station that appeals to women, gay people, and quasisexual college students with nothing better to do than hang out.

Honestly, I like them both. I'm partial to SAM because it's closer to where I live, and it plays cooler music most of the time. But I'll take either. Anything to escape the crap that is Cowtown radio.

Also, it's cool to listen to a station that can start World War III. Or play some White Stripes.

Dirty Laundry

2006-10-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Burning Love", by Elvis Presley

Quote of the Day: "The Pain Train Iz Comin'! Woo woo!!!" - Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

I was lucky enough to have taken Journalism in high school in the mid-90's with an excellent teacher who showed me the right way to do things and the wrong way to do things. That's the class where I first heard the phrase, "If it bleeds, it leads."

After watching the news last night, I noticed that Cowtown is pretty good about having responsible, almost wussy journalism. Here's an example of the news teasers you're likely to see down here:

ANCHOR: "Tonight on NBC29 News, an incidence of E. coli is found near University Grounds. You might want to see this. The news is next."

or

ANCHOR: "Next on CBS 19 News at 11: A tractor overturns on I-64, causing delays south of Charlottesville. We'll bring you the details next."

This is the total opposite of where I'm from, which is the yellow journalism capital of the Mid-Atlantic. Our news stations bring television journalism to entirely new lows, which is probably what you'd expect out of the Nation's Capital. As an example, here's these same stories as they'd be seen on DC stations:

AIRHEAD ANCHOR: "BREAKING NEWS now on FOX5...An E. coli scare is terrorizing thousands of innocent young students at a major university...in your backyard!! SKYFOX will bring you live coverage from the air!! FOX5 News at 10 starts after this message..."

AIRHEAD ANCHOR 2 (aka Peggy Fox): "Next on Nine News: A tractor-trailer explodes into an inferno of flames on I-66, snarling traffic for miles and leaving one man DEAD! Will this impact YOUR evening commute? Can this happen to YOUR VEHICLE? And are YOUR CHILDREN SAFE? We'll bring you all the answers after this on NINE NEWS NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!"

Like yesterday, I wish I was joking. I am not. I promise.

I (Also) Love This Guy

2006-10-02T02:20:00.000-04:00

He's pitcher Zech Zinicola, a minor leaguer who recently moved his way up through the Washington Nationals system to Class AA Harrisburg and may be pitching in the majors before too long. He'll be playing winter ball in Hawaii (Christ, what a cherry gig...) for the Waikiki Beach Boys before playing again in the Nationals system next year.

The word on Zinicola is that he's crazy, in that fire-eating Chad Cordero, Spaceman Bill Lee sort of way. Which I totally believe after a well-meaning, but possibly deranged BPGer found the guy's MySpace site. I'll quote a few lines from Zech's Q&A:

Your Weakness: milfs

Your Fears: cops and hieghts

Your Perfect Pizza: w/ a beer

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: sleep with a milf

Thoughts First Waking Up: God Dammit

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: don't get me started

What country would you most like to Visit: Amsterdam, it's not a country but i want to visit it soon

Number of Drugs I have taken: no comment

Like I said above, I love this guy. He's my new favorite ballplayer of all-time.

Oh, and if you're not a baseball fan, well, sorry.

UPDATE: Okay, so I'm only a month late on this, but apparently, Zinicola was replaced by single-A prospect Adam Carr on the Waikiki roster, so he didn't go to Hawaii after all. Sorry.

Trainwreck Radio

2006-10-02T01:34:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Even Flow", by Pearl Jam

Quote of the Day: "I was head writer for Alan Brady, maybe you've seen his show...It's not very funny and it makes my ears bleed...This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas, this week's guest star is DEATH!" - The Dead Milkmen, "I Tripped Over The Ottoman"

Was listening to 3WV last night on the way back into the Greater Cowtown Area when I heard this new show called "Wet Paint". The closest thing I can compare this show to is the old Saturday Night Live sketch called "Perspectives", starring Tim Meadows.

For those of you who didn't watch SNL about 10 years ago, here's a basic summary of every single episode of "Perspectives" ever done:

LO: Hello. It's 4:36 in the AM, and you're watching "Perspectives". I'm your host, Lionel Osbourne, and today we have in our studio noted political and social activist Laramiela Shaquayquay. LS, how's it hangin'?

LS: Very good. Thanks for having me on, Lionel.

LO: Okay, so you're with a national sociopolitical organization of some sort?

LS: Yes. The NAACP.

LO: Fantastic. And what is that, exactly?

LS: The NAACP?

LO: Yes.

LS: Well...It's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. It's the main civil rights organization in this country.

LO: Mm-hmm. And how colored do you have to be to be in this organization?

LS: Uh...Well, black. You really don't know about us? I mean, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, discrimination? Anything?

LO: Not a clue.

LS: This is embarassing.

LO: FAN-tastic.

LS: No, it isn't. For someone to be as culturally ignorant of his own people's plight...

LO: Outta sight. If you're just joining us, it's 4:38 in the AM...and you're watching "Perspectives". I'm your host, Lionel Osbourne...

etc.

"Wet Paint" has basically the same spirit, only it features an Anonymous DJ interviewing a local band on its way to fortune and fame. You know, letting us know more about an interesting, up-and-coming local act. Sounds like a pretty cool idea, right?

It's actually the least entertaining thing I can think of, other than listening to paint dry. Which would probably get better ratings.

Now, for your entertainment, I present my version of the "Wet Paint" show (names changed to protect the innocent):

ADJ: Hi. Welcome to 3WV's All-New Wet Paint Show, the show that takes a look at what's happening in the Charlottesville alternative music scene. And tonight we have in-studio the Quakes of Awesomeness, um, which is cool. So we have Derek Youngblood...

DY: Yo.

ADJ: Rhonda Lee...

RL: Hiya.

ADJ: Skitch Bryson...

SB: Uh...what?

ADJ: And Dusty Spinella...

DS: Is this on?

ADJ: Cool. Yeah. So you've got some sort of big concert going on this week, or something?

DY: Uh yeah.

RL: Think so, yeah.

ADJ: So it's like...you're opening for Duran Duran at the Pavillion...downtown, right?

RL: Uh, yeah.

ADJ: So this has got to be, like, the biggest gig you've ever played.

DY: Yeah, one of the biggest...I guess, yeah, I mean...we played Ozzfest this year...It was really early though, like before Ozzy came on, like at 2 in the afternoon. And they had us play out back, behind the dumpsters, on the loading dock. But we got to see the practice bat Ozzy bit the head off of in rehearsal, so that was totally sweet.

SB: Totally.

ADJ: Yeah. So.

DS: Yeah.

ADJ: So maybe this would be a good time to play a cut from your new album, "Untalented, Unlistened". The first...

DY: Oh yeah...This one's called "Razor Blades of Irrelevance".

ADJ: Okay. So...This is Quakes of Awesomeness on the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(Wretched song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, it's the All-New Wet Paint Show...and we've got with us in studio Quakes of Awesomeness. That was pretty cool.

RL: Yeah.

DY: Thanks.

ADJ: So uh, guys...are there, like, any bands that really, you know, influence your music or stuff?

RL: Oh yeah, totally...

DY: Yeah, like, you know...the guitar riffs of Anonymous Band You've Never Heard Of are killer. I saw them at the State last year. Totally rocked. And we got to play with Aging Hipster With Marginal Notoriety In The Local Music Scene in 2004.

DS: Yeah, he was wicked.

RL: Wicked.

ADJ: I also read here that you uh...like, got started covering songs by Really Obscure Local Aging Hipster Rocker With No Career Prospects at the Loser Ballroom.

DY: Oh yeah, total influence.

RL: Totally.

ADJ: Cool. Well, uh...like, you've got a solo album now, right, Derek?

DY: Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

ADJ: And it's called...

DY: It's called "Car Payments Suck". We like, put it out with Unknown Indy Producer With No Real Hits To His Name. He was totally cool to work with.

ADJ: He played backup on "Portraits Of Obscurity".

DY: Yeah. And drove the tour bus.

ADJ: Tour bus?

DY: Weed van. Sorry.

ADJ: Totally. So why don't we, uh...listen to one from Derek's solo album, "Car Payments Suck". This is "Portraits of Obscurity" on the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(more wretched song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, that was Derek Youngblood with "Portraits of Obscurity" on the All-New Wet Paint Show. And we've got Quakes of Awesomeness in studio with us.

DY: Rock on!!! W00t!!

ADJ: No doubt. So like, this show...you're gonna play the Pavillion on Tuesday...

SB: Yeah, we're gonna blow down, like, five square blocks of downtown with our sheer rockinness!

DS: Yeah, totally.

ADJ: Okay, yeah, and uh...you're going to play Trax on Friday?

DY: Yeah, that'll totally rock.

RL: Totally.

ADJ: Uh, like...isn't Trax a parking lot now?

DY: Yeah, but like, our manager got us a good deal on the gig so uh...when anyone shows up, we'll be like, there you go.

DS: Yeah.

SB: There you go.

ADJ: So. Yeah. Let's listen to one more song from Quakes of Awesomeness. This one is called "Missing Quaaludes." On the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(ear-splittingly awful song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, Quakes of Awesomeness. "We're On Quaaludes" is the song...

DY: "Missing Quaaludes".

SB: Yeah, "Missing Quaaludes"

ADJ: Oh.

RL: Sort of the same, but different.

DY: Yeah.

ADJ: And the album is...

DY: "Untalented, Unlistened."

RL: Yeah.

ADJ: And I hear you have a web site now.

DY: Uh, yeah....It's www.ourbandrocks.com.

SB: You can also get to it by going to www.willplayforfood.com/broke.

ADJ: Cool. Well, we're running out of time on the show. Again, for anyone who missed...uh, the earlier part of the show, you guys'll be opening for Duran Duran at the Pavillion on Tuesday night, and playing in a parking lot by the UVA Med school on Friday night. Does anyone have any last thoughts to share?

DY: We rock.

RL: Totally.

SB: Rock and roll!!! W00t!!!

DS: Dave's not here, man.

ADJ: So um...Okay. That's like all the time we have this week on the All-New Wet Paint Show. Join us next week when our in-studio guests on the All-New Wet Paint Show will be the new local funk opera band, Fountains of Dork. I'm Anonymous DJ, and uh...we'll...I guess we'll see you next time. 3WV.

--

I wish I was kidding. I'm not.

This Is Funny Ha-Ha.

2006-10-01T08:38:00.000-04:00

Extremely funny, especially when viewed after watching this. (NSFW, folks)

Mission Accomplished!

2006-09-30T22:51:00.000-04:00

Just got back from the UVA men's soccer game, which the Cavs won, 1-nil. The big news, though, is that they set the highest mark in the ACC for men's soccer attendance this year, with a final tally of 7,428. The stands at Klöckner were packed, and so was the hillside opposite the stands. Kids were playing on the lower practice field, and the teams playing at the half were kicking balls over the screen to fans after they finished.

What a great night. The next game's on Tuesday at 7, versus Liberty.

Great job, UVA and great job, Cowtown!

FYI - UVA vs. Clemson, 7 pm

2006-09-30T14:24:00.000-04:00

It's a beautiful day - sun shining, birds singing, and the UVA mens' soccer team facing off versus Clemson tonight at Klöckner Stadium. 7 pm's the start time.

If you don't have plans for tonight, make them for this game. This is the #1 vs. #2 or the #2 (Clemson) vs. #5 (UVA) matchup in the country, depending on which poll you believe. Also, UVA is hoping to set the ACC record for attendance in soccer, which would be a nice little trophy to put on the mantle, and they're going to officially unveil the new video board (ie, HooVision) too.

Tickets are cheap - $6 for adults, $4 for kids and seniors, and $4 for faculty with UVA ID's. Plus, if you've got a kid under 18 wearing a soccer jersey, they get in for $1.

Pretty cool way to spend a night, if you ask me.

More Football Fun

2006-09-29T11:21:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Radar Love", by Golden Earring

Quote of the Day:My girlfiend said to me in bed last night, 'You're a pervert!' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." - Emo Phillips

Two more football notes before I shut up about it (at least until the Skins get waxed tomorrow):

First, there is actually a new football league starting up, a fact that I re-discovered last night thanks to Wikipedia. Unfortunately, it's a league that's setting itself up for complete failure because: a) it's a spring league, b) it's taking almost exclusively recently-graduated college players as opposed to established names, c) it's got a lousy business plan with no TV contract, and d) it's a self-admitted minor league.

I'm talking about the All American Football League, which was "founded" in July. The gimmick (spring football always seems to have a gimmick) is "Okay, people at colleges love football right? Well, lets use those college stadiums in the spring, with college players, and have a real, honest professional football league! Gee, won't that be swell?"

The problems with this concept are almost too many to go into. But I'll try.

First, the only time spring football has ever worked is in the Arena Football League, which is so radically different from actual football that it's not even the same sport. Plus, arena football took about 10-15 years to succeed, and then only barely.

Second, this league is relying on alumni from colleges to support these new teams in the spring. Basically what this means is that they expect college football fans (and donors) to buy all the tickets. Minor problem here: college football fans buy tickets and donate money based on the fact that they have a strong allegiance to the school they're paying to buy tickets for. Mostly because they're either alumni who love their school, or because they're fans of the long, storied traditions and histories at their school. Either way, a new professional league doesn't have that same sort of allegiance - no matter how much they try to associate themselves with said schools. (They've somehow got the University of Tennessee, Purdue and NC State on board with this screwball plan)

Third, this league's agreement, in getting colleges to agree to rent their stadiums, is to give all the concession and parking money straight to the schools. Big mistake. Fact is, without a major TV deal and a high profile that will bring major advertisers to the plate, all the revenue this league is going to get will come from game day ops - ticket sales, parking and concessions. Cut two out of those three out, and you've got only one major revenue source. And what happens if people don't actually, you know, come to the games?

Thank you very much.

Fourth, by admitting that it's a minor league, the AAFL's organizers have automatically limited the league's reach and potential for growth. People don't want to go see minor league sports, by and large, unless: a) there's not a lot of entertainment in their town or b) tickets are dirt cheap. If there's a high-profile alternative (ie, college sports, professional sports), they'll take it over minor league sports 99% of the time.

So what does that mean? First, they'll have trouble getting a decent TV contract. Networks don't generally televise minor league sports. Second, they'll have to keep ticket prices cheap, so they won't make a lot of money - and as a result, they won't get the caliber of players they'll need to succeed. Third, they're competing with the NFL in a way, since there is already a league that serves the NFL's player-development needs: NFL Europe. On top of that, there's the CFL (which the NFL works with) and Arena Football, to help as sources of talent. And that completely ignores that 100+ Division I-A college programs that pump talent into the NFL each year.

Point is, this whole thing is doomed to fail (which is a shame, because I really like the name AAFL - it sounds cool and 1940's-retro. Someone with imagination could really use that name to their advantage with a new league). It reminds me of a combination of the pathetic Spring Football League
and the equally-pathetic Regional Football League, both of which had bad business plans, no exposure, no TV deal, and unsurprisingly died fast, yet painful deaths. Same thing here.

--

Second point: the Arizona Cardinals's stadium has a new name. The unimaginatively-named (yet appropriate) Cardinal Stadium has been renamed
"University of Phoenix Stadium". This, as is normal for the internet, has started up a shitstorm of whining from self-styled traditionalists, because there isn't actually a physical place known as the University of Phoenix (it's a virtual, online education institution), and the stadium's actually located in Glendale, a suburb of Phoenix, AZ.

Personally, I don't think it's all that bad. Look, they could have had their stadium named something awful like VeriziChoice Field, or Paradigmatics Execucorps Stadium, or the Equibarq Centre. At least with UoP Stadium, you can pretend that the Cardinals play at a stadum at the University of Phoenix, in Phoenix, Arizona. (Which is exactly what I plan on doing, with my University of Phoenix fantasy college football team)

Of course, the irony of the Cardinals finally managing to leave a college stadium to play at - a college stadium - doesn't escape me...

Football 201: Advanced Techniques in League Competition (aka "Can You Beat the NFL at its own Game?")

2006-09-28T19:46:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Never There", by Cake

Quote of the Day: "It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames." - Harry Hill

Okay, so I'm back from work, and on the football topic again. Saints rejoice.

We left off with the whole media/TV deal, which I figure is a pretty important part of any new league. Too many leagues have failed because they didn't lock down a decent media contract that targeted the audience they wanted to reach. The USFL, to their credit, actually got a pretty decent arrangement with ABC and ESPN when they started (their problem was more of being a spring league, and having too many teams spread out too thin).

The WFL of the '70s was a complete dud in large part because they didn't have a decent TV contract, and Arena football stayed small until they got a better deal with ESPN (and NBC). The XFL's contract was good with the NBC game of the week, but they heavily relied on secondary stations (like Channel 20 in DC) to show the other games - which rarely promoted the league in the first place. On the other hand, the AFL succeeded because they got a good TV deal with ABC, and wound up merging into the NFL.

Point being, leagues can be made or broken because of the exposure that they get from being on TV. The NFL, in fact, draws most of their power in the sports market from its media contract and smart marketing. The BFL would have to have a major contract and marketing presence to work, and to have the kind of high profile that it'd need to hope to compete with the 10,000-ton giant (aka, the NFL). So basically, the question becomes, how does the BFL get some network to give it fistfuls of cash on the promise that there will be, at some point, a reason for people to watch it on said network?

Three ways I can think of:

1.) Sign at least 2 high-profile players to each team. (Note that this doesn't mean that teams should sign the Peyton Mannings of the world to $20 million a year contracts - just sign guys who are moderately well-known and have NFL cred) Guys who need second chances at proving themselves would be perfect. A guy like Jeff Garcia, for example. Or a guy like Ricky Williams. Or Stephen Davis. You get the idea. It'd also be good for the league to set its sights on swiping 1 or 2 really big names (ie, Keyshawn Johnson, Randy Moss, Edgerrin James, etc. etc.) from the NFL. And getting players on teams close to where they're from. Central franchise ownership would be helpful in making all of this happen.

2.) Pour money into a set of funny, eyecatching ads. Don't try to be XFL II to the whole nation - the BFL can save that macho stuff for promo spots on a target network like Spike TV, which caters to testosterone-pounding raw masculinity. But also don't try to pretend that the league has got the best gameplay - it can't, and it won't. (And most importantly, casual viewers won't care) Best thing to do is to try to suck people by getting them to know the league brand without them knowing that they're being sold on something new - the ads for Major League Soccer, when it first started up, are perfect examples of this. And don't skimp on the media dollars, either.

3.) Find a media advocate in each community - one on the print side (ie, a prominent columnist), one on the radio side, and one on the TV side (ie, local stations that people listen to/watch). Obviously, this would be harder in the major markets (ie, New York, LA), which aren't hurting for news. But in places like Las Vegas, Portland, San Antonio and even Detroit, this should be do-able. (It's amazing how lazy reporters can be - feed them with buffets, inside access to players and coaches and being "The Official Station of the San Antonio Scorpions", and watch the stories roll in) The point is, the BFL needs media people to sell its teams to their local communities for it, for free. I'd even say that if the league can't find these sort of connections in a city they choose, it should drop that city and pick up another one where connections are stronger.

All of these things add value to the TV contract because people are talking about the league, and are more likely to tune in - not just for the first 1-2 games, like with the XFL, but for most of the season. If the BFL could sink its hooks into even a fifth of the football fans in this country, college or pro, it'd be well on its way to establishing a foothold.

And that's all you'd need to start. Beating the NFL at its own game will never be an overnight task - it'll take years of hard combat. But it starts with getting established and letting people know that the league exists, that it's legitimate and worth watching. Getting on TV in really visible places, and all over the media (including print and radio) is the first step in doing that.

Now...Is there anyone with a billion or two to spare in the audience?

Long Day, Short Post

2006-09-27T23:00:00.001-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Short Skirt, Long Jacket", by Cake

Quote of the Day: "It's a long, long rope they use to hang you soon I hope, and I wonder why this hasn't happened, why why why? And I think about the dirt that I'll be wearing for a shirt, and I hope that I get old before I die!" - They Might Be Giants

First day of work at Presently Current Workplace. Long workday, lots of new people to meet, a half-dozen projects in the first 8 hours. You know, the usual.

Continuation of NFL competition post tomorrow. Sorry. Until then, enjoy this wonderful life message from former UVA student and grad Sean Polyn:

It sure i$.

Football 102: The BFL (Brian's Football League)

2006-09-26T21:55:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2

Quote of the Day: "So you get NOTHING! You LOSE! Good DAY, sir! ", Willy Wonka (aka Gene Wilder)

Lone reader Mediocre Fred replied to yesterday's post about creating some competition for the NFL. Thus spake the MF'er:

In order for this to work, I'd privilege cities that don't already have teams (since it would be easier to get a foothold there). Here's what I'd try:

EAST
New York (because you have to)
Orlando
Birmingham
Memphis

WEST
Los Angeles
San Antonio
Las Vegas
Portland

This league alignment is weak in the northeast, so if you wanted to leave off, say, Birmingham or Orlando and add Columbus (Ohio Stadium) or maybe even Philly or Detroit, I wouldn't argue.

I think he's got a generally workable league, but I'd go with the following cities myself:

New York - A given. Any new league would have to have New York to get TV networks on board and raise the value of the league TV contract. Good thing is that NYC has 20 million plus in its metro area, and only two football teams. There's room for one more. (I solidly believe that Donald Trump would have had a winner with the New Jersey Generals if the USFL would have started in the fall from the beginning) Shea Stadium's sight lines are good for football, though the place hasn't been used for it in 30 years.

Los Angeles - Another given. See New York. A big part of having a successful LA team would be in the location - the LA Coliseum would be the most central, but also would suffer from its size (it'd be almost impossible to sell out a 90,000+ seat stadium for a new league). The Home Depot Center in Carson might be a better place to start, since it's already hosted high school football games, has a smaller size (~30K, easier to sell out), and is pretty much just as far from LA as Anaheim and Orange County. Just don't even have a weeknight game there.

Washington - Here's my wild card. Ten years ago, when the Redskins were owned by The Jack, there wouldn't have been the desire or the political will to have competition come in to challenge them. Yeah, the money was there, and DC is football-obsessed, but everyone wanted to be a part of the Redskins at RFK. Now, The Danny has pissed off so many Redskins fans, even though he's selling out, there's still a large, frustrated and pissed group of fans who: a) gave up their Skins season tickets, and/or b) want an alternative. The alternative could play at RFK Stadium (with some renovations) as early as 2008, when the Washington Nationals move to a new ballpark. RFK could be sold out again, with creative promotions that challenge the establishment, plus some actual, reasonable ticket prices (ie, not pricing half the area out of the market like certain other teams in town).

Detroit - Okay, hear me out here. One, Detroit is a large metro area, with over 4 million people. Two, the Lions blow hard - if you give Detroit sports fans an alternative at this point, any alternative, it's got to look pretty good. Three, a new team could easily buy Tiger Stadium and put in some bucks for renovation, saving the stadium from demolition and creating an old-time football stadium that's close to the hearts of Detroit fans. Of course, if that doesn't work, there's always the Pontiac Silverdome...

Memphis - A small town, but one that drew pretty well with the Showboats of the USFL, and draws an average of over 40K for Memphis Tigers football (ie, college).

Las Vegas - The market the NFL won't touch. Obviously, there's money here, and if the new league could get UNLV on board with leasing their stadium on off-weekends, there's an opportunity. The team could start off by selling drastically-reduced price season tickets with game packages (ie, drinks, pre-game meals, etc.) to the major casinos, which could use the tickets as comps and rewards. Then run bus service from the Strip before every home game. Add some showgirls and get the local media behind the team, and you're in business.

Portland - Like Memphis, this is a pretty small town. But it only has one major professional sports team, and a stadium that could easily be sold out, even if it was set up in an expanded football configuration (it'd seat about 30,000). Plus, Portland has shown good support for Oregon and Oregon State football, and it's a pretty well-off city. This is definitely worth a shot.

San Antonio - The love of football in Texas is legendary. San Antonio's been angling for an NFL team for a while now, and with the Saints coming to town last year, they showed that they can at least decently support a pro team. The Alamodome desperately needs a tenant, and the local media is ripe for supporting a local football team. This is a win-win all around.

So the BFL would look like this:

New York
Washington
Detroit
Memphis

Los Angeles
Las Vegas
Portland
San Antonio

Next time, I'll go into media stuff and the TV contract. When I'm more awake.

Football 101: aka "Can You Fight NFL Hall?"

2006-09-25T20:45:00.000-04:00

Watching Monday Night Football again, mostly to see the return of football to New Orleans. Lots of emotion, and a great storyline to follow. As with Houston, football belongs in New Orleans, and I'm glad it's back.

Getting back on topic from earlier...

The first thing a new league would have to do is establish its size and first-year cities. With a new league, I think you've gotta go after a combination of big media markets and cities that will be likely to pack the house - not one or the other. Also, you've gotta start off manageable in size - ironically, that's one of the few things the XFL did well, since they had just 8 teams to start. 8 is a good number. I like it - it's even, and it's an easier number of teams to maintain financially without worrying about a bunch of teams going bust (which other leagues, like the USFL and Arena Football League, have been plagued with).

So here's where I go football dorkish (too late). I'm going to drop a list of ideas for cities for this new league, along with available stadiums in said cities. I'll group 'em in two categories, those with stadiums that don't have football (Definites) and those that could have football, but already have teams (Maybes). Here we go:

DEFINITES
New York - Shea Stadium
Washington - RFK Stadium
Portland (OR) - PGE Park
San Antonio - Alamodome
Houston - Astrodome
Dallas - Cotton Bowl
Birmingham - Legion Field
Orlando - Citrus Bowl
Detroit - Tiger Stadium (Yes, I know it's getting torn down. But not yet.)

MAYBES
Los Angeles - LA Memorial Coliseum/Rose Bowl/Home Depot Center
Miami - Orange Bowl (U. of Miami (FL))
Boston - Alumni Stadium (Boston College)
Atlanta - Bobby Dodd Stadium (Georgia Tech)
San Francisco - AT&T Park (*)
Las Vegas - Sam Boyd Stadium (UNLV)
Nashville - Vanderbilt Stadium (obvious)
Memphis - Liberty Bowl (U. of Memphis)
Chicago - Ryan Field (Northwestern)
Philadelphia - Franklin Field (Penn)
Cincinnati - Nippert Stadium (U. of Cincy)
Seattle - Safeco Field (**)
Salt Lake City - Rice-Eccles Stadium (U. of Utah)
Louisville - Papa John's Cardinal Stadium (U. of Louisville)
San Jose - Spartan Stadium (San Jose State)

(*) Yes, I know Name-Of-The-Week Field is a ballpark. As in, a baseball park. But it hosts a college bowl game, the Emerald Bowl, every year. So it's possible.

(**) See above. Safeco Field hosted a bowl game once too - the Seattle Bowl - though it doesn't anymore.

Plus, assuming this league doesn't get off the ground for a couple of years, you've got a couple of NFL stadiums that'll be opening up as their teams move into new digs:

EX-NFL STADIUMS
Indianapolis - RCA Dome
San Diego - Qualcomm Stadium
Minneapolis - Metrodome

(Giants Stadium and Irving Stadium are both getting torn down once the new stadiums get built, so they're out)

So there ya go. The next thing is to get a big-buck TV contract, which is a lot harder than you'd think. The NFL has done a really good job of locking down all of the major network media companies in some way through their TV packages - CBS has the AFC (mostly), FOX has the NFC (mostly), NBC has Sunday Night Football, and Disney (ie, ABC's parent company) has Monday Night Football through ESPN.

ABC might want to get in on the football game on Sundays, though, to add on to their sports profile. (It's worth mentioning that the reason why they dropped MNF was because of the NFL's price tag and TV programming politics, not because they weren't interested in football.) For the right price, a new league could get them to buy in to a two-game package, with games set up by region (sorta like FOX's Saturday MLB game). Then you get a cable network (ie, Spike TV, TBS, or Versus) to do a Sunday night game and maybe a Thursday night game.

Easy? No, but it could be done. Question is, would the cash from that be enough to keep a new league going? I don't know - leave that to the accountants. But the fan support would be there.

Someone needs to do this, before the NFL makes sure it won't happen.

Kids, Avert Ye Eyes...

2006-09-25T16:59:00.000-04:00

New DCLugi videos out!

Very adult content. You've been warned...

Free...As A Bird...

2006-09-25T16:24:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Everything Sucks", by Reel Big Fish

Quote of the Day: “If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.” - Eddie Izzard

Random thought: Does finishing my last day at Formerly-Known-As- Current-Workplace and waiting to start at Future Workplace mean that I'm in between jobs?

Ba-dum-bump.

This is sort of a weird position for me to be in, because I haven't been without a job for a single day in almost two years, and for more than a week in over three years. I start at Soon-To-Be-Current-Workplace later this week, so I'm kicking my feet up for the first time in years. Sitting around without the faintest glimmer of something that I have to do is very bizarre.

I'm in a generally good mood right now, because the Skins somehow found a miraculous way to win over the lowly Texans yesterday, 31-15. Some people, like my dad, would find this entirely unremarkable, given that Houston was 2-14 last year. However, I know better. As long as I've been alive, my team has never failed to disappoint, even (especially) against pathetic teams like the Texans. (Of all people, my dad should know better, since he watched the miserable Deadskins of the 1960s contastantly disappoint when he was a kid)

What do you do if you're a Texans fan? I mean, really, I feel sorry for Houston, because you suffer through the ownership of an asshole owner, watch him blow off your city by announcing that he's moving the team a full season before he actually does it, then have to wait seven years to get your team back - and then have to suffer through five seasons of pathetic football with no real end in sight. I was horrified (but not shocked) when I saw this page a few minutes ago, listing the records of every NFL team since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970; the Texans have the worst winning percentage of every single team in the NFL. 32 out of 32.

Houston doesn't deserve that. They were always a good AFC town when the Oilers still existed, and they deserve a winner. The Texans franchise in general is solid, too...red, white & blue colors, cool logo, cool name...they just suck. Places like Carolina (22 out of 32), Arizona (29 out of 32) and Jacksonville (10 out of 32?!?) deserve that level of crappiness. Not Houston.

On a semi-related subject, the long football weekend got me to thinking about something that I go back to every fall: what if the NFL had competition?

The fact that the NFL hasn't had any serious competitors since the AFL in 1969 is jarring (no, the XFL doesn't count. As anything. Including a league.) Since football overtook baseball as the real national pastime in this country, the NFL has enjoyed a total dominance of the sport that no other league has been able to in this country in the modern era. Their market power is staggering as a result.

Even so, I think there's an opening for competition if it was done right. The popularity of football and network/cable TV in this country means that there's potential support out there for a new league. NBC and Turner realized this back in the late-90s, in trying to get their proposed league off the ground, but were stopped by the cheaper- and ultimately failed XFL. (How different and infinitely more interesting would the sports landscape have been if the NBC-Turner league existed and the XFL didn't?)

Of course, the potential of a league like this depends on a lot of factors, like working out a big-dollar TV deal that gives a lot of exposure, finding open facilities that can generate revenue without costing a lot in lease rates, and picking markets that have relatively few sports that tend to like football. Some of that is a crap shoot, but smart planning would go a long way in figuring out what's likely to work.

More on this later.

God, I'm Lazy...

2006-09-23T17:01:00.000-04:00

I'm ashamed of myself.

For watching A Knight's Tale on TBS (subtitle: "Historical Fiction for Idiots") today. I remember watching this piece of shit in college with my ex-girlfriend and thinking it somehow entertaining. What the hell was I thinking?

The fake English accents, the 20th century idioms, the gratuitous male ass-shots and all the other totally inappropriate Hollywood crapness should have tipped me off. I mean, what's Medieval drama without a little Queen in the background? (No, not the reigning monarch entrusted by God with the salvation and protection of a nation. I mean, the Freddie Mercury glam rock variety. Obviously.)

It's like a train wreck, really. You can't help but watch in shock and horror.

That, and the fact that I can't find the remote.

Bleeargh!

2006-09-23T00:07:00.000-04:00

We're all conformists. It's just a question of, "To what degree do we conform?"

(Yes, I know I'm paraphrasing Ron White. Shut up.)

The next time some dude goes all Avril Lavigne on you about hating conformity, I recommend you do this:

RICH WHITE YUPPIE ASSHOLE: I'm an individual, with individual thoughts, and individual clothes, and individual...individualicity! Bleaargh!!"

YOU: No you're not. And here's why.

Where do you live?

RICH WHITE YUPPIE ASSHOLE: In a house. Where the fuck else would I live, conformist?

YOU: "You mean like, a shed, or a lean-to with broken windows, or something?"

RICH WHITE YUPPIE ASSHOLE: No stupid, a house. A house house.

YOU: Oh, right. And that's somewhere, like, down by the railroad tracks, or by the mine shaft, or down the street from the abandoned hospital?

RICH WHITE YUPPIE ASSHOLE: "Fuck no! I live in Sterling. Conformist!"

YOU: "Oh. Well, uh...Nice Nine Inch Nails shirt you got there."

RICH WHITE YUPPIE ASSHOLE: "It's a symbol of my individualness, fag. Bleargh!"

It won't get you anywhere, but you'll have a good laugh at the goth-wannabe poser in front of you. I highly recommend it.

(I'm so sorry. I'm not creative.)

Goodbye, Farewell, Amen

2006-09-22T10:29:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Goodbye, Goodbye" by Oingo Boingo

What's Also Playing in my Head: "Theme from M*A*S*H" (Suicide Is Painless) by Johnny Mandel

Quote of the Day: "Hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody and they meet at a bar." - Drew Carey

No, I'm not dying. Yes, this is my last day at Current Workplace.

Leaving a job is always sort of weird. In a way, it's like graduating high school, because you're exchanging phone numbers, and saying goodbye-take care-see-you-soons with a lot of people you probably will never see again. Plus, you're cruising because all your work is pretty much done - there's nothing for you to be worried about there, because you won't be there on Monday (or whenever the next day is after you quit. YMMV). It's like going to an All-Night Grad Party, just without the drinking and the wild, unprotected sex behind the school dumpster out back.

Anyway.

I've left three jobs before this, and I'm proud to say that I've never been fired from one of them. I've always left on my own to do something better and on top of that, I've always left on a good note. Which means I've sadly never known the pleasure of calling my boss a random string of four-letter words, mixed with seven- and eight-letter words (use your imagination) on my way out the door. But such is life.

It's a strange feeling, sitting at a desk that's been emptied of all semblance of humanity, that once used to be yours. Waiting for someone else to take your place. The times I've left jobs before, I've always wanted to grab a Sharpie (TM) and draw "Brian Wuz Here" or some such stupid shit on the bottom of the desk, like I was in high school again. Mostly to scare the hell out of the poor dude sitting there later on when he's dropped a pen or something. But of course I didn't, because I'm a cheap conformist bastard.

I think the worst part of leaving a job has to be the long walk back to the supply closet to return all the office supplies you've collected over the years. Because it's at that moment you realize that you're walking away, and things will never be the same. Plus, you'll never have that sweet red stapler again.

No, wait, the worst part of leaving a job is actually the Long Walk of Shame (TM) through the office to say your final goodbyes to everyone. That sucks. For the most part, there's a lot of phonyness in the whole thing and it's like, if I have a good relationship with you, I'm not going to say goodbye 'cause I'll see you again soon. And if I don't...I don't really need to say anything, do I?

No, wait, the worst part of leaving a job is really getting walked to the door by security at the end of the day, stripped of your ID badge, parking pass, and anything else of value, just so the company can make sure you're not stealing their shit. It's humiliating, really. Sort of a "Goodbye, good luck, and fuck you" from your former employers.

Can you tell I've done this before?

At the end of the day, I'm glad that I'm leaving Current Workplace for a better job in a town I like a lot. But I'm also just as glad that I was there in the first place, mostly because I've gotten the chance to do things and see things I wouldn't have otherwise. Better or worse, I've made some good friends at CW, and that's the stuff that doesn't change. I'm going to try to remember that on my way out the door.

Now where's that red stapler...I brought it from home...

Dude, I've Got These Sweet Floor Seats...Fifty Bucks, Bro...

2006-09-21T23:20:00.000-04:00

Don't buy from scalpers. Repeat, don't buy from scalpers.

Jesus, you'd think people would get this by now. Read on:

Ticket Trouble at the John Paul Jones Arena
Reported by David Douglas
Wednesday, September 20, 2006

All over tickets bought online could cause concert goers to be turned away at the John Paul Jones Arena this weekend.

If you go online to get seats to a concert there is a "right way" and what ticketers might call "the wrong way." Because if you buy tickets from a reseller you might get a deal that is not music to your ears.

Rachel Charron and her friend had two tickets to see Kenny Chesney. “I had one ticket that I sold because she wanted to upgrade. We upgraded to fourth row seats. From then you go to eBay, you buy tickets, you go to the show, there was never any question about it," said Charron.

No question, that is, until Charron and her friend arrived at the door.

"They scanned them and asked how we had purchased them and my friend said she got them on eBay. And they said since they were sold on eBay for more than face value of the tickets that all the tickets that had been purchased that way had been cancelled," stated Charron.

Link

There is a reason why you shouldn't buy from ticket brokers, whether it be for sports or concerts. Actually, there are a lot of reasons. One, they charge obscene prices, partly to cover their costs, but mostly to make a buck. Two, they don't control tickets for the venue, so if they job you, you're screwed. Three, if you didn't buy from the team/ticket vendor, oops, sorry, you didn't buy from us, so we can't help you. Four, scalpers can sell you bogus tickets and you'll never know it until you get to the gate and your tickets get rejected (especially these days, when everything's bar-coded).

I don't have much sympathy for people who get screwed like this. It sounds like the particular situation in this story ended well, but a lot don't. And in the end, there's no one else to blame but yourself if you do do it.

Don't buy from scalpers. End of story.

No Title...Too...Lazy...

2006-09-20T23:28:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Frank Sinatra", by Cake

Quote of the Day: "I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks." - Emo Phillips

Okay, so it's been a week and a half now, which means that we're about halfway through this little experiment. I will say that so far things are going well, which means that I'm having fun writing this thing.

The fact that I have a blog, though, is a pretty dismal statement for our society. If I can write all kinds of crap on a daily basis that when you get right down to it nobody cares about, who can't? Soon, just about everyone who isn't over the age of 90 or physically unable to move their fingers will either have a blog, or have had one (before giving it up in inglorious failure). All in pursuit of that elusive 15 minutes (or 15 seconds) of fame.

Pretty soon, even my girlfriend's five-year-old daughter will have one:

GF: How was school, honey?
D: I dunno, mommy. You can read 'bout it in my blog.
GF: Your blog?
D: Yes. It's at rulesaredumb-dot-blogspot-dot-com.
GF: ...

I think the reason why I'm having fun doing this so far is that I take this basically as a daily journal, an opportunity for the demon monkeys in my head to have their message heard (Patton Oswalt quote, folks), rather than writing content. I think once bloggers start thinking of themselves as some sort of new-age internet columnists providing content (there's that vague word again), they're doomed. Because so very few bloggers actually succeed at getting recognized as legitimate, rather than as just some dorf sitting in his underwear ranting on the Internet.

Anyway, for the few reading this, thanks. I should be good for another week, at least.

New DCLugi Video Out

2006-09-20T23:14:00.000-04:00

If you don't know Dave Coyne, click here. Then watch this:

I think I might stop laughing sometime this week...

Um, Yeah...So About That Whole Gambling Thing...

2006-09-20T19:05:00.000-04:00

Somehow, I don't think a simple "My bad" would do here...

Casino built where gambling is illegal
September 20, 2006

ST. IGNACE, Mich. Gambling is the only thing missing from a new Indian casino in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, mistakenly built in an area where gambling is illegal.

The $36 million Kewadin Shores Casino and Hotel opened in June and has restaurants, a lounge and an indoor pool, overlooking Lake Huron's Horseshoe Bay north of the Mackinac Bridge.

But its 29,000-square-foot casino with 800 slot machines and 26 gambling tables has been unable to operate because the U.S. government says part of the casino was built on land where Indian gambling is not allowed.

Members of the Sault Ste. Marie Tribe of Chippewa Indians are debating who was responsible for the mistake, with the tribe's current and former chairmen blaming each other, The Detroit News reported Wednesday.

Link

My favorite part of the story is this:

"Payment knew about the problem before I left office and has had 2 1/2 years to work it out," former Chairman Bernard Bouschor said. "It wasn't me. It was a nice try by him to blame me, but I don't accept any responsibility for his screw-up."

Spoken like a true politician. Maybe the next step will be to have a WWE-style throwdown between Bouschor and Payment.

And does anyone find it odd that a Native American tribe leader who monumentally screwed up a business deal goes by the name "Payment"? Or is that just me?

Brian's Driving Adventures #2 ½: What Goes Around...

2006-09-20T09:32:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "You Want It All", by Silvertide

Quote of the Day: "An optimist says, 'The drink is half full.' A pessimist says, 'The drink is half full, but I might have bowel cancer.' " - Bruce McCullough, "The Kids In The Hall"

Sometimes I can't help but smile. Even in DC traffic.

So I'm driving home from work last night, as I tend to do, and I'm coming into Tyson's Corner. (Tyson's Corner, for those of you who aren't from the DC area, is Olde English for "Place of a Thousand Traffic Jams") You'll remember from Brian's Driving Adventures #2 the general scenario of Jackass #453 using a right-hand turn lane to pass someone. Here's my funky drawing to illustrate:

Why I was suprised that this happened again is beyond me. Maybe I believed in this vague notion of the faintest glimmer of goodness in people, I don't know. Whatever.

So I'm driving behind a brand-new Cadillac STS, which is riding the bumper of a Mercedes S-Class going down Route 7. (Northern Virginia? The hell you say...) All of a sudden, Caddy Boy darts into the turn lane. Now this just happens to be the turn lane for the regional library, so at this point I'm thinking, "You're going to a library at 9:30 at night? WTF?"

Soon enough, though, I figure out what he's doing. Which is good for me, because I know how long that turn lane is - specifically, that is, a lot shorter than you'd think. Caddy Boy, however, didn't.

My exact thought at that moment: "This is going to be a shame."

The Benz, for its part, wasn't taking any crap from this douchebag, and kept on rolling. So did I. Which left Caddy Boy running out of real estate and slamming the brakes, going full-on into the gravel at the end of the turn lane. As I rolled on by and watched this dope stewing in the humiliation he deserved, I couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, a lesson was learned well.

That's when I saw a middle finger shoot up from the Caddy.

Got to love Northern Virginia. In the end, though, all I can say is this: if you were the driver of the Benz, rock on.

And if you're Caddy Boy, I hope you don't choke too much on that gravel dust.

Feeling Kinda Uncreative

2006-09-19T14:15:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Layla", by Derek & The Dominos (Not the beginning part everyone knows, the one starting with the piano bridge at 3min. 11sec., you know, the part that's in that scene in GoodFellas)

Quote of the Day: "You don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit." - Lawrence, "Office Space"

Today is just one of those days, the kind where it's hard to get started on basically anything. So I'll make this quick.

Word is getting around the current job scene on my impending departure; it's a surprise to some people, so naturally this leads to the usual stop-in-the-hall-oh-you're-leaving-where-are-you-going-gee-we're-going-to-miss-you sort of conversations. I always feel a little weird about those; there's only so much you can say about leaving, and when you've already told your boss, your boss' boss, your friends, family, family friends, and friends of family friends, it winds up feeling like you're some PR guy, repeating the same pre-formatted statements and public comments like you're talking to reporters.

What would be really cool is if people came up with some new stuff to ask me when they find out I'm leaving. For example:

A: Hey man, I heard you're leaving us.
ME: Yeah, end of this week. It's been fun, but this is a great opportunity that I just couldn't turn down.
A: That's cool. So, yeah, are you planning on dancing George Jefferson-style on your boss' desk before you go?

Or maybe:

A: Hey man, I heard you're leaving us.
ME: Yeah, end of this week. It's been fun, but this is a great opportunity that I just couldn't turn down.
A: Wow, yeah, okay. Hey, by the way, do you fully expect your enemies' flesh to melt away in columns of burning hellfire, Raiders of the Lost Ark-style?

Mix it up a bit, that's all I'm saying. That would be cool.

Better Late Than Never...

2006-09-18T11:11:00.000-04:00

A day late and a dollar short, but I noticed over the weekend that I got some love from Waldo Jaquith and Cvilleblogs.com. Now I'm part of a blogging community. Sorry, the blogging community in Cowtown. I'll have to try to rein in my antisocial behavior just a tad.

(Which is my little way of saying thanks.)

Gas Wars: Episode II

2006-09-18T09:46:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned on Friday, I went down to Cowtown for the UVA-Western Michigan game on Saturday (no comment). So naturally, I'm on 29 and do my usual gas price check for S&G's. For those of you playing along at home, here's what I saw just after 10 am on Saturday:

Wawa - $2.01
Exxon - $2.03

Needless to say, I was speechless. (Recall from Gas Wars: Episode I that the lowest price was at $2.07 just one week before)

So I'm rolling back into town late last night down Gasoline Alley...Guess what our fine fuelish friends are down to?

Exxon - $1.99
Wawa - $1.97

Boo-ya!

While everyone in Cowtown is freaking out about the insane cost of local gas, I'm rolling on unleaded at prices that even Wal-Mart can't match. And it's all thanks to this insane shooting war between the Macy's and Gimbel's of Gainesville.

I really don't know where we go from here, but I like the way the winds are blowing for now. Until we as a nation decide to go invade some other Middle East country (yo Iran, 'sup?), or one of these places gets tired of bleeding money in a futile attempt to spank the competition, I don't see why this can't keep going:

Wawa: Our gas is $1.95!
Exxon: Oh yeah? Ours is $1.90!
Wawa: Oh yeah? Ours is $1.75!
Exxon: $1.50!
Wawa: ONE DOLLAR! Plus a free Wawa burger, and we'll pay for your car wash at Exxon!
Exxon: We'll give it to you for FREE! Plus the burger and the car wash, and we'll pick the dead bugs off your windshield. BY HAND!

It's like that cartoon where Bugs Bunny keeps drawing a line and daring Yosemite Sam to step over it. Of course, we all know what happens in the end:

Suits me just fine. When gas is cheap, life is good.

Such a shame that I won't be doing the drive up 29 much anymore. Still, at these prices...

Night Fever

2006-09-18T05:22:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Flying High Again", by Ozzy Osbourne

Quote of the Day: "I touched her hand...Her hand touched her boob...By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!" - Steve Smith, "American Dad"

I think I've said on here before that I do a lot of driving. Way I figure it, at this point, I do about 18 hours of time behind the wheel every week - which means that either I really like driving, or I'm a slave to my car. (The answer, as always in life, lies in between)

The end result of all this is that I have a lot of time on my hands to think about random things, which is pretty easy given the way my brain is hard-wired. For example:

(*) God, the Skins suck. After getting manhandled worse than Paris Hilton at a swingers convention, I think it may be time to break out the brown paper bags (for Redskins fans, not for Paris - though they could only help in her case). Given the crap-fest we put on the field, there is no legitimate way we should have been trailing by 7 going into the 4th. It should have been more like 57-10. Someone shoot me.

(*) Sunday Night Football is pretty cool; Madden seems in his element with Al Michaels, at least as much as he did with Pat "Drinky-Drinky" Summerall back in the 80's and early 90's. I just wish it started at 4:15, not 8:15.

(*) Why is it that I'm always four years behind the rest of the world, musically speaking? Christ, I'm listening to Nine Days as if I'm on the cutting edge of the modern pop scene. And while I'm on the subject...

(*) Is it retarded for me to be just discovering how fucking incredible The White Stripes' "White Blood Cells" is? (Answer: Yes, Brian, it is. Now shut up before the rest of the world discovers how much of a social ponce you are)

(*) Meg White is uber-hot, what with her Winnie Cooper-esque features and fuck-you rock chick attitude. Though I can't tell if her rack is too big for my tastes or not. No matter. I'm not turning her down if I get the chance. (Yes, Brian. You are stoned.)

(*) Why is it that as a society we can transmit messages instantaneously to the farthest corners of the globe, make computer batteries the size of a thumbnail using viral nanotechnology and send futuristic satellites into outer-fucking-space, yet we can't program a grocery store card scanner to be able to tell the difference between Credit and Debit?

(*) One of the few things that will suck about moving to the Greater Cowtown Area is the lack of MASN, the cable network that carries the Washington Nationals (of which I am a fan). Somehow, Culpeper is good enough to carry a "network" (term used loosely) that has about all of 3 hours a day of original programming, but Albemarle isn't. Maybe once Comcast actually takes over the cable monopoly in town, we'll be able to see a baseball game that doesn't involve the Yankees or the Red Sox. (This is known as a hint, FOX Sports)

(*) My fantasy team blows. When you're down to starting Ben Roethlisberger and hoping that he'll actually play Monday night so you don't start Daunte Culpepper, you know you're desperate. Add one injured running back (ie, Clinton Portis) and one running back who generally sucks (ie, Reuben Droughns of the Browns) on your Can't Cut List and there's only one conclusion to be made: I should have remembered when the damned draft date was.

(*) Note To Self: Late-night driving is a shitty time to try to figure out what you're going to write for your blog post the next day. N.B.: It's also a bad time to make mental notes on said blog post.

God, I need a nap.

Break Time

2006-09-16T01:38:00.000-04:00

I'm going to set precedent here and take the weekend off from posting. If I have anything compelling to add over the next two days, I'll pile on. Otherwise, I'll keep the entries in here to Monday - Friday affairs. I doubt anyone will complain.

And if you do...well, that's just sad. See you Monday.

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

2006-09-16T01:34:00.000-04:00

As reported on cvillenews.com Thursday night, Wal-Mart is ready to build one of its megastores in the middle of downtown Louisa, located about 45 minutes east of Charlottesville off I-64.

I'm not going to wade into the Walmart-Evil-Walmart-Good sort of nuclear argument, mostly because by this point in history, virtually everything original that can be said about the subject has been. But I will say this: Mayor Jim Artz is either the most brazen or the most incompetent politician on the planet. Or both.

Here's his direct, unedited quote, courtesy of WCAV-TV (otherwise known as "The Other CBS Station on Cable. You Know, The One You Don't Watch"):

“If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

This after he directly compares Wal-Mart to Santa Claus (what's next? Is Target the Easter Bunny? Or maybe K-Mart is the Tooth Fairy...). This guy has about as much tact as Terrell Owens on MDMA.

Look, rightly or wrongly, Wal-Mart has incredible economic power, the kind that will crush anything in its way out of existence. This is what a capitalist, free-market economy allows, and even encourages. We know this. But Good God, do you really have to encourage these people? As Mayor, don't you have a responsibility to at least have some moderating influence over the situation? Don't you realize that the people you're telling to take a hike are part of the local business community that you're supposed to work for? Instead of trying to ease Wal-Mart into the community and make everybody happy, Mayor McCheese over here comes in with guns a-blazin' and napalm flying.

Why not say what you really mean, Jim? "Yeah, uh, we don't actually give a crap about having a real downtown or businesses or nothin'. Really, all we care about is getting a great deal on a 12-pack of Ivory soap for $3.99. Unless the name of your business starts with CVS, Food Lion or McDonald's, you might as well close up shop now. And if you don't like it, you can BITE ME. Hahahaha!"

On the bright side, my girlfriend (a resident of Louisa) reports that there is a lot more people upset by this Wal-Mart thing than the story on Channel 19 lets on. And for good reason. Sure, you'll get cheap products (I enjoy Wal-Mart, as mentioned in a previous post, for this very reason), but it'll wipe out the rest of your commercial goods stores in town. For a town that already has two half-empty shopping centers begging for tenants, this doesn't bode well.

Throw in a Wal-Mart, and one of the two dollar stores goes kaput (probably Dollar General), CVS is on the ropes, the discount food place across the way from CVS is probably DOA, Louisa Hardware goes up in flames, and a dozen mom-and-pops along Main Street evaporate overnight. If that's the kind of town you want, great - and the people of Louisa certainly have the right to choose that - but at least be honest with people about what's going to happen as a result. And don't be so smugly arrogant about it.

Though I don't know why Wal-Mart is even bothering with the town, given that their distro. center is in Zion Crossroads. Given how close ZC is to 64 and 15, and the fact that a whole lot of development will be going on there, and the fact that it's closer to the general Charlottesville area/further away from Richmond, you'd think that Wal-Mart would set its horizons there. Strange.

Coming Home

2006-09-15T23:12:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is Homecoming at UVA, and I'll be at Scott Stadium for the game. I'm not really sure what to expect, being that I haven't been to a Homecoming game (or any other game, for that matter, save for last weekend's default win over Wyoming) since I was in my last year at UVA a half-decade ago.

Back when I was in Cowtown, the games seemed to be pretty much conference affairs against weak teams like Duke, Wake Forest and NC State. (There was one year we played San Jose State, killing them by like 50 points). So there was almost always some reason to get excited over the game, no matter how minor it was. But since we've started to play non-conference games for Homecoming (Akron last year, Western Michigan this year), I don't really know how much excitement there is over the game.

There seemed to be a lot of juice in the house last weekend, though, so maybe having the alumni back will really get the place rocking. Scott Stadium can definitely be an intimidating place if the crowd gets on its feet, as Florida State found out in 2005.

Regardless of the University crowd, I think this weekend is probably the best chance Townies will have for the rest of the year to see UVA football. Being that it's Western Michigan, tickets will probably be available, as opposed to the rest of the year, where you've got Maryland, UNC, Miami and NC State. (In Cowtown, it's all ACC from here on out, baby!) Plus, kids get in for half-price tomorrow ($15 each), and it's a pretty good way to spend the afternoon. Weather should be nice, too - the Weather Channel is calling for partly cloudy skies and a balmy 75 degree high.

If you don't have plans for tomorrow, I'd say you should make 'em for Scott Stadium at 3:30. Park over at Fontaine Research Park (which is free, a price I can deal with) and walk over through the forest and past Hereford College. It should be a lot of fun.

Go Hoos!

12:53am Update - Damn. Looks like I was wrong...game's sold out. Sorry, everyone. That'll teach me not to assUme.

I'd Give Him A Dollar

2006-09-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

Brian's Driving Adventures #2: The DC 500

2006-09-15T08:59:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "I'm Finding It Harder to Be a Gentleman", by The White Stripes

Quote of the Day: "[T]he secret of a successful relationship is to become irretrievably embroiled in a bitter struggle to the death." - Mil Millington

Continuing on a theme, driving in the DC area is a daily exercise in keeping your sanity. Which in turn can be an exercise in impossibility when people stoop to douchebag moves on the road. Take this one particular scenario, which has happened to no one in specific:

Two cars are driving down the road. The first car (the blue one) we'll call Brian's Car. Because it is. The second one (the red car) we'll call Jackass Lexus SUV Driver From Hell #453. Here is a sample of what happens to Brian's Car on a daily basis:

Which makes the occupant of Brian's Car look like this:

Only he looks far more handsome.

The only place I have ever seen people use an exit lane as a passing lane and think it's totally okay and legal is right here in the Greater Washington Metropolitan Area & Insane Asylum. People with common sense and a moderate ability to handle a vehicle larger than a Huffy bike do not think this is acceptable. This is the rest of the country. People who have fuck-you cars like Lexuses, Infinitis and Accuras, no common sense and affordable car insurance rates, however, do. These are the people we need to get rid of. Now.

I used to think my life would be so much better if only I had a high-intensity laser beam mounted on my hood to cut down jerknut Washington drivers for being stupid. Only, I now know that wouldn't work, because it would only wind up slicing them in half, leading them to breed like amoeba. Which, in turn, would only lead Washington highways and streets to be clogged with even more assholes who think they're the owners of the road. This would not work.

Here's my idea: We need to have an impromptu road race, in the style of the classic Grand Prix. But don't close down the roads. Only the worthy would be told to stay off the streets - like the driver of Brian's Car, for example. Then, all the drivers left on the road in the DC area could be funnelled onto the Beltway with all the off-ramps closed, and we could simply let natural selection take its course. Give it a few hours, and BAM! Problem solved.

I should go into politics.

Crap. Total Crap.

2006-09-14T20:48:00.000-04:00

Just saw the trailer for Casino Royale, the new James Bond movie premiering in November. Words cannot describe how awful this movie looks. Since the first trailer was put online, and Daniel Craig was made the "new Bond" (aka the "new George Lazenby"), I have been calling this movie as being so awful, it'll be good. Like a train wreck of colossal proportions.

Take a look:

Don't get me wrong, I think Daniel Craig is a generally good actor. I loved Layer Cake, it was a great film with a lot of style, and he was good in it. But he's not James Bond. Good God, he's not James Bond. Someone stop the insanity.

See You At The Palace

2006-09-14T19:45:00.000-04:00

In response to my post mentioning the new JPJ Arena at UVA, Mediocre Fred suggested that the new arena be called the Cow Palace. So it shall be. From here on out on these pages, UVA basketball will play at the Cow Palace. I think it's more than a fitting name.

On a related subject, it occurred to me on the way home from work tonight that Charlottesville suffers from a total embarrassment of riches when it comes to solid entertainment hotspots. Really, when you think about it, there's more in Cowtown than anywhere else in the state - especially when you break it down in terms of population. Here's some facts on who's got what across the Commonwealth:

Charlottesville
- Scott Stadium (football) - Capacity: 61,000
- Cow Palace (men's/women's basketball) - Capacity: 15,000
- Pavillion (concerts) - Capacity: 3,500
- Paramount Theatre (concerts/arts) - Capacity: 1,300

Richmond
- University of Richmond Stadium (football/soccer) - Capacity: 22,000
- Richmond Coliseum (basketball/hockey/football) - Capacity: 13,500
- The Diamond (baseball) - Capacity: 12,134
- Robins Center (basketball) - Capacity: 9,071
- Alltel Pavilion (basketball) - Capacity: 7,500

Northern Virginia
- Nissan Pavilion (concerts) - Capacity: 25,000
- Patriot Center (basketball/concerts/circus) - Capacity: 10,000

Tidewater/Norfolk
- Hampton Coliseum (concerts) - Capacity: 13,800
- Norfolk Scope (concerts/circus) - Capacity: 12,600
- Harbor Park (baseball) - Capacity: 12,067
- Chrysler Hall (arts) - Capacity: 2,500
- Harrison Opera House (arts) - Capacity: 1,632

Blacksburg
- Lane Stadium (football) - Capacity: 66,233
- Cassell Coliseum (basketball) - 10,052

There are more, but those are all the major ones I can remember. And no, I don't count racetracks. NASCAR isn't entertainment.

Point is, Cowtown ranks right up there with Richmond and Norfolk, two far bigger and better-known cities. For a town of less than 150,000, that's frigging incredible. Especially when you consider that the stadiums in those two cities are basically old and decaying hunks of depressing concrete, while the digs in C'ville are shiny-new and classy joints that people really like.

All of a sudden, I'm really proud of my new home. Nice.

Brian's Driving Adventures #1 - Deer God.

2006-09-14T10:15:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Dangerous", by Roxette

Quote of the Day: "I feel like George Bush can bring about the Biblical Apocalype. I don't mean the 'Road Warrior, there's no gas apocalype,' or the 'Jerry Bruckheimer, the weather's going crazy apocalypse.' I mean the 'Revelation of St. John, demons coming out of the ocean, seven headed beast, all that stuff.' Because, here's the thing, I don't think Bush wants to be President, I think he wants to be The Last President!" - Patton Oswalt

Driving in Northern Virginia is an adventure, in the same sense that swallowing shards of broken glass can be considered adventurous, or maybe walking around Anacostia at midnight with white skin on. Fun! Wacky!

I discovered this once again, of course, last week when I almost got hit four - count 'em - FOUR times in a single day. The first two times, I'm sitting there on my way to get my car serviced at 9 in the morning, and I get cut off. Twice in a row. On the same road. Then, just as I get my car out of the service station, I pull out and blam, this car rockets through the stop sign and right past me.

The fourth time was the absolute worst, and you knew it had to be. So I'm driving down this windy road near my old elementary school, going downhill between two small ridges on either side of the road. When what appears but a flash before my eyes, coming from two o'clock high and five feet up on the right, darting across the road and narrowly missing a explosive and bloody collision. Anyone who has lived in the Northern Virginia region for longer than five minutes knows what it was. Say it with me...

Fucking goddamned deer.

That's right. Thank you.

I've been lucky enough over the years to have avoided plowing into one of these furbags on the way home at night. Which is quite remarkable, given that I currently live in the middle of deer alley (where all the deer of Washington hang out, drink bourbon and listen to deer jazz, ostensibly) and spend a lot of time driving on back roads in Central Virginia.

My parents, on the other hand, have both had run-ins with deer over the years - three, in fact - causing a bunch of damage to their cars. My mom even has had to jam on the brakes and come to a complete stop while a dumb-as-a-bag-of-rocks buck stood motionless on the yellow line. Even nudging the thing with her bumper didn't help move it, or so the story goes.

Now deer in the Cowtown region are plentiful, as they are in NoVA. I do not contest this fact in the least. Hell, there are even bears that occasionally decide to take afternoon strolls through downtown CT. But you do not have the type of psychotic, lunatic deer that we do up here. Simply no way possible.

Deer in Central Virginia are like characters from out of Bambi, frolicking in meadows, gently chewing on grass in your backyard, occasionally finding themselves on the wrong end of a semi headed to Waynesboro. "Aww, look at the cute little deer family...So precious..." Aww.

Deer in Northern Virginia are like the squirrels from that GEICO commercial where they jump into the road, make the car swerve and crash, and then do the jive hand-slapping thing in celebration of another sweet, sadistic victory. They are dumb as rocks, but what makes them even worse is the fact that in the dark recesses of their pea-sized brains, NoVA deer are fully aware that they are out to get you. They will hang out by the sides of roads in the dead of night, inches away from getting crushed. They will dart in front of cars heading 60 miles an hour just for the sheer thrill of playing in traffic. They will ensure that every leaf of your $500 gardening project is turned into fine, fine deer chow. Guaranteed.

Whistles do not faze these creatures of evil. Nor do deer scents, bars of soap, honking horns, or just screaming at them. They're like Dracula with a stopped-up nose and sunscreen: they're invincible.

If there's one thing that gives me comfort, it's Ron White's approach to deer. Which can be quoted thusly:

--

My cousin Ray on the other hand thinks that killin' a deer with a deer rifle is like magic in the forest. And now, I would like to do for you now my impression of my cousin Ray after the big kill.

CR: "Hell, it was four in the mornin', 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there. Pussy. I'm in a camouflaged deer blind. I've got grease paint on my face and deer urine on my boots. I'm not sure why." - I made that part up - "I've got a 30-06 with a laser scope. This baby will fire a bullet 2200 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I hunged from the danged ol' tree...caught him right above the eye."

RW: "Yeah, well, I hit one with a van goin' fifty-five miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn a-blowin'!"

--

There have been controversies in the DC area (mostly Montgomery County) over the years about allowing bow hunting to thin the psychotic, demon deer population in the region, which is getting just about as bad as it can without every house in suburbia turning to venison for breakfast. Me, I think they should just make it easy on us all and give us all Hummer H2s.

One Hummer per house, one weekend a year. The thought of whipping around Breakneck Mill Road in Reston at 2 am popping deer left and right with the titanium grill of my sweet H2 is enough to bring a small tear to my eye. It'd just be me doing my part to control the wild animal population, the only responsible thing to do, really.

Really.

Wake Up, Maggie Moo...

2006-09-13T12:42:00.000-04:00

I like to think that I support the little guy, although I haven't really done that much until just recently. I shop at Wal-Mart and Target, eat at Chili's and get my hair clipped at SuperCuts. And I'll probably keep doing it until I'm six feet in the ground.

But there are a couple of little places I like, which brings me to Maggie Moo's in Charlottesville, up at Hollymead Town Center up on 29 North.

I know, it's a chain. It's not a mom-and-pop store, exactly. But it sort of is. There's this older guy and a couple of teens that I see in there all the time running the place, and I gather that it's a family-owned sort of franchise thing. Which is cool, I support the little guy (see paragraph #1).

The shakes are really good there, especially because you can get them with one of about 50 dozen flavors of ice cream and a dozen mix-ins. My personal favorite is one with cake batter-flavored ice cream and whipped cream on top. (I had one last when I was celebrating a kick-ass interview I did down in Cowtown a couple of weeks ago) They even ask if you want it mixed thin like a milkshake or thick like a malt - I had mine thick, naturally. How else?

Though, honestly, I don't get the deal with the mix-ins and shakes. When they put the stuff in (whatever - Oreos, nuts, M&Ms, etc.), it gets chopped up but not enough so that you can fit it all easily through a straw. Especially if you like your shakes thick like me. So you wind up having to eat it like it's some kind of soup or medieval ice sludge.

First time I went there, I got this tropical pina colada smoothie thing - so you figure, okay, it'll have pineapple juice, some sort of ice cream thing, and coconut milk . (I'll leave out the banana 'cause I hate them) Hold the phone. Instead of coconut milk, they threw in actual shaved coconut, which I guess is their regular mix-in stuff. Which is fine if you want to top off a sundae, but when you want a shake that you can suck on in the car, it makes the thing more like drinking a coconut custard pie. Chew, chew, chew.

But overall, I really like the place, and I'll be going back there again soon. If you're in the area, you should go by too.

Be like me, support the little guy. Moo.

Just Noticed...

2006-09-13T12:17:00.000-04:00

Got some free pub from my friend Mediocre Fred yesterday. Thanks, man. But now I may actually have people reading this thing, so I have to actually write something worthwhile in it.

Shit.

Wired For Sound...and Video...and Chat...and...

2006-09-13T09:59:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living", by The Streets

Quote of the Day: If I could offer one piece of advice to the planet, it would be this: Don't marry for looks alone, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, when Barbara's boobs start sagging, she can get plastic surgery...If her belly gets too big, she can get a tummy tuck and have a belly like a cheerleader... But let me tell you something, folks: You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever." - Ron White

Bonus Quote of the Day: "The safest way to double your money is to fold it in your pocket." - Mike Skinner, The Streets

One of the greatest things about the technofuturistic age we live in these days is, without a doubt, wireless networking. My girlfriend and I are a pretty computer geeky couple, with our two laptops, three desktops and assorted spare parts computers hanging around our two (soon to become one) dwellings. But I hadn't lived until I got a Linksys card for my laptop.

We're not talking about sitting around playing Everquest in your dad's basement, folks. This is a fundamental change in living patterns, an incontrovertible improvement in my daily life. Instead of sitting holed up in a computer room with a black-and-white TV with no antenna, I'm in my living room watching Boston Legal in blaring technicolor with my bare feet on the couch and a soda in one hand. If I want, I can be reading about the history of feudal Japan while I'm cooking stir fry in the kitchen, or watching my friend Dave verbally bitch-slapping some obstinate dude on one of my favorite message boards while I'm sitting out on the deck.

In short, the world is my oyster, and I've got the pearl.

Actually, my actual daily experience is a lot less interesting than all that. Usually, I'm sitting at the breakfast counter with my g/f, eating some cream of wheat thing, while poking over my e-mail or the Nationals box score from the night before. But it does come in handy, though - especially when we're cooking and need to pull down a recipe from the Food Network site, or looking at house listings over dinner.

My girlfriend often kids me about my computer being my newest appendage. Which is, of course, entirely true. I've carried it to bed, on car trips, in the sewing room, out on the deck...pretty much every place a 3-pound piece of plastic and circuits can go. Instead of falling asleep reading a good book, I fall asleep with a glowing screen on the bedcovers. (American society has just officially, completely jumped the shark)

My techie obsession doesn't even stop at the property line of my house. In the car, I've got XM satellite radio, which is the next-greatest invention in the world. (Is it a bad sign when you talk about your satellite radio receiver in the same way you talk about an actual human being? "I love you, XM...") Followed closely by my newest boy toy, the iAudio X5 - aka MP3 Player On Steriods.

This thing rips the iPod in half and takes a whiz over its smoldering, electrical-arcing corpse. Right now, I've got about 300 songs on it, plus about 15 videos, and it still isn't vaguely close to running out of storage space. There's nothing like rolling down the road at night listening to some great stand-up I downloaded, or sitting like a moron in some typical BS DC traffic jam, listening to the audio from an episode of Family Guy or South Park I haven't seen yet. It makes life a breeze.

Someday, I think we'll all have cyber-contact lenses that let us look at any blank wall and get a life-size browser window that can get TV, radio, Internet, and pretty much everything else you want. Sort of like having Google Toolbar sitting on your eyeball. This will be phenomenally cool, which goes without saying.

For now, though, I'm good with being a cyber-putz as-is.

Incidentally...

2006-09-12T19:27:00.000-04:00

If you're wondering why the actual Charlottesville content here is rather low so far, it's because I haven't actually landed on the ground there yet. I was in town for the UVA-Wyoming game on Saturday, but after a quick overnight trip to my soon-to-be-home, it was right back up to DC courtesy of another red-eye drive up 29. I'm going to be going down for the next UVA game on Saturday, and moving some stuff down, then down for good at the end of the month. So the actual Charlottesville stuff will be starting up soon, or at least as much of it as I care to mention.

Just to get it out of the way right now, "Cowtown" is my shorthand for Charlottesville. It actually comes from my friend, Mediocre Fred, who went to UVA with me lo those five years ago. Back when we started at UVA, Charlottesville was a pretty sleepy, country town, and you'd routinely see cows grazing on the way down 29 going through Culpeper, Madison and Greene Counties. Now, not so much. But the relative lack of anything to do down there other than stuff on Grounds and going to a movie at one of the shoehorn theaters up on 29 North seemed to make Cowtown a pretty appropriate nickname. He called it that, and it stuck in my mind.

Today, Charlottesville is a little better about having stuff going on. Better theaters, more (and bigger) stores, more concerts and stuff. The new JPJ Arena will add a lot more entertainment variety to the town, and the Pavillion downtown had some good acts this summer. Plus, the recently-reopened Paramount has got a pretty good slate of concerts and comedy acts through the winter and spring. So that's cool.

But to me, it'll always be...well, you know.

"There's Something In My Eye...Please Excuse Me While I Get It Out..."

2006-09-12T13:23:00.000-04:00

I love this guy.

His name's Dave Coyne, although he goes by the nick "DCLugi" on Youtube. The videos he does are mostly comedy, like the "Snakes On A Plane" one above; he got some minor fame online for his U2 parody video featuring an ode to Samuel Jackson (which was a very-cool shot-by-shot recreation of the one for the quite-awful U2 song "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"). He's from the DC area, too, which is cool.

A lot of his videos use green-screen techniques and tight editing, and his production values are surprisingly high - especially since he freely admits to being a one-man show who (mostly) doesn't get paid for what he does. He's an actor and a voice-over artist, though, and there's obviously a good reason for that. His Christopher Walken, Jack Nicholson and Joe Pesci impressions are dynamite, but his original characters are hilarious too. Someone's got to sign this guy. Now.

My personal favorite DCLugi vids are the two below, "Help Wanted" and "My Uncle Lives On A Funny Farm". If you watch the last one - just track with it until the very end, don't drop out halfway through. You'll be rewarded for your patience, I promise.

The first one of his I ever saw, "Classic TV", is pretty funny too (though the ending is a little weird):

Check this guy's videos out. He's hilarious.

The Wonders of Youtube

2006-09-12T11:01:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Juicy", by Better Than Ezra
Quote of the Day: "Should I, you know, go into normal photosynthetic activity or a life of crime?" - Dave Coyne

Youtube is officially the coolest site in the universe.

It's like a drunk college slacker's paradise, with all the different videos on there. You can be watching some dude's treatise on life, then click over to a Gummi Bears episode from 1985. I've searched for stuff on there that I'd never thought I'd see again, and I've hit on some great videos I probably would have never seen otherwise. Sort of live having tivo for the internet.

Of course, you do have the contingent of high school douchebags who think their shitty videos of their friend lighting their farts on fire are the latest revolution in comedy. Or the video bloggers (God, the video bloggers...) who thought, "Dammit, polluting the internet with reams of my meaningless, inconsequential drivel isn't enough. People must see my face while I do it!" Or the dorfs with zero talent who see the place as a high-tech audition for Hollywood stardom and fortune. No, Tyrell, you are not the next B.I.G. No, Austin McSqueaky, you are not going to be in Queens of the Stone Age. Let it go.

My latest Youtube obsession is watching video highlights from NPB, which is the Japanese baseball league. This dude terioh posts these clips packages from Japanese TV showing the previous night's games and scores. It's like watching Asian ESPN, in a totally unintelligible language (the fact that I took Japanese in college is of absolutely no help whatsoever). And yet, it's somehow more pleasing than watching real ESPN. (Maybe it's the fact that, unlike real ESPN, this one shows teams that don't end in "ees" or "Sox". Just a thought)

I'm sure that, just like everything else, I'm going to get sick of Youtube after awhile and move on to my next fixation. For now, though, I'm going to stick to stuff like NPB highlights, Chad Vader-Day Shift Manager and the Skeletor Show. Or...

I Love This Video

2006-09-11T23:23:00.000-04:00

Football On. Me Watch Now.

2006-09-11T20:22:00.000-04:00

Watching Monday Night Football for the first time in like a year. The Skins were playing pretty competently until they got into the Red Zone and promptly sucked wind, as usual. 13-9 Redskins at the half.

I've never liked Monday Night Football. It just seems wrong, having a game on a weeknight. Football is for Sundays and Thanksgiving. Fall afternoons, after you've gotten done raking leaves, or winter afternoons after you've gotten done shoveling snow. Not for late nights after work trying to stay awake long enough to get through halftime.

The 7 pm start is a little better now, but unless it's the Redskins playing, I could give a flying fuck about staying up to watch football on a work night.

Not that they listen to me.

Why I Love Gas Wars

2006-09-11T04:52:00.000-04:00

What's Playing in my Head: "Velvet Elvis", by Weird Al Yankovic

Quote of the Day: "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so yeah." - Mitch Hedberg

I do a lot of driving these days, which means that I am gouged hard and often at the pump, just like every other sucker that needs to get someplace. So on the rare occasion when two gas companies start beating each other's brains in with an orgy of - gasp - competition, it brings a tear to me eye. Honest.

Case in point. On the way to Central Virginia (CenVA? CeeVee? Centia?), I pass through the sleepy burg of Gainesville. I use the term "sleepy burg" here, of course, in the sense of "sprawling, uncoordinated hell clusterfucked around a completely useless road system."

Along 29, headed back toward DC, there are two gas stations - Exxon and Wawa. Wawa just opened and has - gasp, again - a traffic light. Exxon is, well, Exxon. But being just down the street from each other, both places have developed this sort of gas station my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours syndrome.

The normal price for gas out that way (relatively low anyway) is something like $2.40/$2.50. Wawa's price? $2.19. Exxon's price? $2.17.

Holee shit.

On top of which, Exxon had a customer appreciation thing going on, with a typical DJ-on-Ex blasting hip hop and a Nascar...car...parked in the corner. And guess what? On the way back, Wawa's price was down to $2.17 as well.

It's fundamental insanity with cheap gas. $ign me up.

Welcome Back My Friends To The Show That...Ends

2006-09-11T04:19:00.000-04:00

Hi. My name's Brian. You may know me, or someone vaguely like me. But that's okay, nobody really looks like themselves anymore.

So, let me introduce myself. I'm a twentysomething Northern Virginian who's had enough of the nightmarish traffic jams and the whiny, self-entitled, overly wealthy douchebags in the DC area. I also happen to be in the process of moving lock stock and barrel to the Charlottesville area.

Somehow, I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to jump in and start a blog. Which is, of course, a recipe for big honking failure just like every other blog out there. A very good friend of mine, who goes by the name Mediocre Fred on this here internet, used to write a highly entertaining and funny daily blog for a few years, but eventually wound up hanging it up. And he's a fucking writer. (He occasionally contributes to another blog these days, The Frinklin and Fred Show, which is cool)

So here's how this thing is going to go down. I'm going to start writing this thing, basically whenever I feel like it. Then I'll get either: a) busy with work, b) mixed up in real-life crap, c) bored with the damn thing, or d) all of the above, and e) drop this thing like a flaming bag of shit . (But hey, at least I admit it.)

So be forewarned. This is a two- or three-week project, at most. But I'll try to have fun with it, in a stream-of-consciousness, Mitch Hedberg sort of way. If you're still tracking with me, thanks.

Everyone ready? Good. Here we go.