Thursday, March 15, 2007

Still The Funniest Thing I've Seen Today...

Okay, so I'm looking at Our Sports Central last night - it's a generally good web site on minor league sports that suffers from too much content being shoved in your face at once, but I like looking at it to see what new teams have started up in the last couple of weeks. So I start looking into arena football and see the dozens of leagues and teams that have sprouted up seemingly overnight. After researching these leagues, I can only guess that the reason why so many have been created lately is that either:

a) Arenas have open dates that they're desperate to fill at any costs, regardless of whether or not their "tenant" actually has any money to pay them rent, or any future expectations of actually paying them at any point down the road, or:

b) Football players are so desperate to keep playing the game or get an NFL scout to look at them that they're willing to play for teams that set their corporate payday on the 5th of Never, or:

c) Both a) and b).

Which is why I find the EIEIOFL site that I mentioned last night. Being new to it, I can't really tell if the stories are 100% made up, or only 50% made up. But frankly, that's what I love about it - the world of arena football is so pathetically bizarre and twisted today that anything on this site could be 1000% true. You could have a team called the Drunk Valley Lemmings playing in the 100-seat Hank's Repo Coliseum issuing $50,000 challenges to other arena league teams - as long as they agree to play football without insurance and provide the actual football. Does any of this make sense? Who knows? Who cares? It's arena football!!!

My personal favorite EIEIO story (so far - I haven't gone into the archives yet) is this one:


Teen Purchases NIFL Franchise
Teen Gets Parents Approval, Moves Forward with NIFL Ownership

Robby Johnson, after being grounded by his parents in his first attempt at sports ownership, has announced plans to field an Indoor Team in Hammond in 2007.

At yesterday’s press conference, held on the Johnson’s front lawn, NIFL Commissioner Ohio Indiana declared “this is not only a proud day for the Johnson’s and their entire neighborhood, but is key as we seek high school kids of similar ambition and means for future ownership markets”. Apparently, Robby Johnson has been running a fairly successful lawn mowing business on Oak Street for the past four years, and reportedly banked just over $2600 this past Summer. Commented Commissioner Ohio Indiana “We were lucky here, obviously going forward I doubt we will be able to find potential ownership of similar established portfolios, but we are hopeful”.

Robby first announced his intent to bring an expansion team to Hammond last year. Unfortunately, this was news to Helen and Fred Johnson. According to Helen “We were fairly certain that our son was in his room studying for a History Exam, so we were taken aback to read about his silly football team in the morning paper”. Robby was grounded for the next two months. Said Fred, a man of few words “I’ll give you Indoor Football”.

So where will the Heroes play? Costs have proven exhorbitant at the local high school, in excess of $175 a game, so Robby has literally looked within. As other NIFL Teams have broken barriers and played on Tennis Courts and in Horse Stables, the Heroes will truly have a Home Field advantage. New Owner Robby Johnson states “My parents were really pissed last year, so the only way I could make this work was to have the Heroes play in our basement at home. Sure there will be some quirks at Johnson Family Stadium, but what Arena doesn’t have them.” The Field will measure 14 yards in length, and be 6 yards wide. At an Arena ceiling height of 7’ 6”, an accurate field goal kicker will be key. Final preparations are in place as the pool table, Soloflex, and bean bag chairs will be moved to the back yard this week.


Quite possibly, the only thing that even approaches the level of insanity in the world of arena football is the one-and-only ABA 2000 (now known as just the ABA, as they have now made it their mission to utterly destroy what little credibility the old, original ABA had in its day). Though the ABA, I think, is a little different - I have come to the conclusion that the ABA is actually run by incredibly smart people who have figured out a way to create the world's first sports franchise Ponzi scheme. It's just the suckers who buy into the league, thinking that they're going to get a chance to run/play for a successful minor league sports team, who are dumb.

In the case of these fly-by-night arena football leagues, everybody's dumb - the players for believing they'll get paid, arena owners for believing they'll have a solvent tenant, owners who believe that their franchise fee will earn them something (ie, a successful team, league promotion, profit), and league management for putting the whole stupid thing together without a solid business plan, ample financial support and a realistic outlook. It's a circle-jerk of morons.

But it sure is high comedy.


5:30 PM UPDATE: My God, it's all true. They may poke fun at indoor football league news left and right, but they don't make any of it up, and actually back it up with sources.

After checking the archives I've discovered what EIEIO is really all about, which just about blew my mind. I'll summarize it all later. Stay tuned.


At May 24, 2008 9:06 AM, Anonymous Hip-Hop said...

nice share

At November 10, 2009 7:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

generic soft tab viagra viagra buy price iframe too much viagra negative effects of viagra too much viagra does viagra really work india viagra cialis vicodin viagra australia viagra alternatives splitting viagra get viagra free sample viagra viagra sample viagra england

At February 06, 2010 12:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont Bother With Crawling Downloads With NZB Files You Can Instantly Find High Quality Movies, Games, MP3s, Applications and Download Them at Fast Speeds


At February 19, 2010 3:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Watch Our Thimble-witted Prices at, The Prime [b][url=]Online Dispensary [/url][/b] To [url=]Buy Viagra[/url] Online ! You Can also Days to Pre-eminent Deals When You [url=]Buy Cialis[/url] and When You You [url=]Buy Levitra[/url] Online. We Also Settle a Mammoth Generic [url=]Phentermine[/url] In shore up of Your Nutriment ! We Up M‚table look at [url=]Viagra[/url] and Also [url=]Generic Viagra[/url] !

At March 08, 2010 11:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read this forum since 2 weeks and now i have decided to register to share with you my ideas. [url=]:)[/url]

At March 22, 2010 5:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could easily be making money online in the hush-hush world of [URL=]blackhat money making[/URL], You are far from alone if you haven’t heard of it before. Blackhat marketing uses not-so-popular or little-understood ways to generate an income online.

At February 26, 2013 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

[url=]casinos online[/url], also known as accepted casinos or Internet casinos, are online versions of top-level ("team up with and mortar") casinos. Online casinos own gamblers to move up and wager on casino games from start to sup the Internet.
Online casinos typically give out up championing customers odds and payback percentages that are comparable to land-based casinos. Some online casinos upon higher payback percentages in the smoke of rather residence train railway coach games, and some contribute to wide known payout consequence profit audits on their websites. Assuming that the online casino is using an aptly programmed unspecific congregate generator, catalogue games like blackjack coveted an established heritage edge. The payout administer harry of these games are established in the future the rules of the game.
Uncountable online casinos furrow into bit publicly meditate on or be revealed their software from companies like Microgaming, Realtime Gaming, Playtech, Intercontinental Prank Technology and CryptoLogic Inc.

At March 27, 2013 5:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

[p]it from having out of your footwear unlike other styles of shoes and shoes you wear while in the winter [url=]air jordans for sale[/url] time . You'll find [url=]cheap air jordans[/url] it doesn't emanate foul smell as leather . They're among the most traditionally routines, but you are [url=]air jordan shoes[/url] really underestimated . It [url=]cheap jordans for sale[/url] took me 2 . T-shirts are most preferred and acceptable in Indian market
In India, earlier, T-shirts were [url=]cheap air jordan shoes[/url] preferred by children and teens only, however a days people off age-groups wears T-shirts . Following the instructions below, you [url=]new air jordans[/url] can be sure that it will not take place . While ballet [url=]jordan shoes[/url] slippers require thin soles to profit the kind of flexibility needed, those that are produced for casual wear are typically thicker . These include constructed with revolutionary fabric that wicks moisture on the body for rapid evaporation.[/p]


Post a Comment

<< Home