Trainwreck Radio

What's Playing in my Head: "Even Flow", by Pearl Jam

Quote of the Day: "I was head writer for Alan Brady, maybe you've seen his show...It's not very funny and it makes my ears bleed...This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas, this week's guest star is DEATH!" - The Dead Milkmen, "I Tripped Over The Ottoman"

Was listening to 3WV last night on the way back into the Greater Cowtown Area when I heard this new show called "Wet Paint". The closest thing I can compare this show to is the old Saturday Night Live sketch called "Perspectives", starring Tim Meadows.

For those of you who didn't watch SNL about 10 years ago, here's a basic summary of every single episode of "Perspectives" ever done:

LO: Hello. It's 4:36 in the AM, and you're watching "Perspectives". I'm your host, Lionel Osbourne, and today we have in our studio noted political and social activist Laramiela Shaquayquay. LS, how's it hangin'?

LS: Very good. Thanks for having me on, Lionel.

LO: Okay, so you're with a national sociopolitical organization of some sort?

LS: Yes. The NAACP.

LO: Fantastic. And what is that, exactly?

LS: The NAACP?

LO: Yes.

LS: Well...It's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. It's the main civil rights organization in this country.

LO: Mm-hmm. And how colored do you have to be to be in this organization?

LS: Uh...Well, black. You really don't know about us? I mean, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, discrimination? Anything?

LO: Not a clue.

LS: This is embarassing.

LO: FAN-tastic.

LS: No, it isn't. For someone to be as culturally ignorant of his own people's plight...

LO: Outta sight. If you're just joining us, it's 4:38 in the AM...and you're watching "Perspectives". I'm your host, Lionel Osbourne...

etc.


"Wet Paint" has basically the same spirit, only it features an Anonymous DJ interviewing a local band on its way to fortune and fame. You know, letting us know more about an interesting, up-and-coming local act. Sounds like a pretty cool idea, right?

It's actually the least entertaining thing I can think of, other than listening to paint dry. Which would probably get better ratings.

Now, for your entertainment, I present my version of the "Wet Paint" show (names changed to protect the innocent):

ADJ: Hi. Welcome to 3WV's All-New Wet Paint Show, the show that takes a look at what's happening in the Charlottesville alternative music scene. And tonight we have in-studio the Quakes of Awesomeness, um, which is cool. So we have Derek Youngblood...

DY: Yo.

ADJ: Rhonda Lee...

RL: Hiya.

ADJ: Skitch Bryson...

SB: Uh...what?

ADJ: And Dusty Spinella...

DS: Is this on?

ADJ: Cool. Yeah. So you've got some sort of big concert going on this week, or something?

DY: Uh yeah.

RL: Think so, yeah.

ADJ: So it's like...you're opening for Duran Duran at the Pavillion...downtown, right?

RL: Uh, yeah.

ADJ: So this has got to be, like, the biggest gig you've ever played.

DY: Yeah, one of the biggest...I guess, yeah, I mean...we played Ozzfest this year...It was really early though, like before Ozzy came on, like at 2 in the afternoon. And they had us play out back, behind the dumpsters, on the loading dock. But we got to see the practice bat Ozzy bit the head off of in rehearsal, so that was totally sweet.

SB: Totally.

ADJ: Yeah. So.

DS: Yeah.

ADJ: So maybe this would be a good time to play a cut from your new album, "Untalented, Unlistened". The first...

DY: Oh yeah...This one's called "Razor Blades of Irrelevance".

ADJ: Okay. So...This is Quakes of Awesomeness on the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(Wretched song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, it's the All-New Wet Paint Show...and we've got with us in studio Quakes of Awesomeness. That was pretty cool.

RL: Yeah.

DY: Thanks.

ADJ: So uh, guys...are there, like, any bands that really, you know, influence your music or stuff?

RL: Oh yeah, totally...

DY: Yeah, like, you know...the guitar riffs of Anonymous Band You've Never Heard Of are killer. I saw them at the State last year. Totally rocked. And we got to play with Aging Hipster With Marginal Notoriety In The Local Music Scene in 2004.

DS: Yeah, he was wicked.

RL: Wicked.

ADJ: I also read here that you uh...like, got started covering songs by Really Obscure Local Aging Hipster Rocker With No Career Prospects at the Loser Ballroom.

DY: Oh yeah, total influence.

RL: Totally.

ADJ: Cool. Well, uh...like, you've got a solo album now, right, Derek?

DY: Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

ADJ: And it's called...

DY: It's called "Car Payments Suck". We like, put it out with Unknown Indy Producer With No Real Hits To His Name. He was totally cool to work with.

ADJ: He played backup on "Portraits Of Obscurity".

DY: Yeah. And drove the tour bus.

ADJ: Tour bus?

DY: Weed van. Sorry.

ADJ: Totally. So why don't we, uh...listen to one from Derek's solo album, "Car Payments Suck". This is "Portraits of Obscurity" on the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(more wretched song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, that was Derek Youngblood with "Portraits of Obscurity" on the All-New Wet Paint Show. And we've got Quakes of Awesomeness in studio with us.

DY: Rock on!!! W00t!!

ADJ: No doubt. So like, this show...you're gonna play the Pavillion on Tuesday...

SB: Yeah, we're gonna blow down, like, five square blocks of downtown with our sheer rockinness!

DS: Yeah, totally.

ADJ: Okay, yeah, and uh...you're going to play Trax on Friday?

DY: Yeah, that'll totally rock.

RL: Totally.

ADJ: Uh, like...isn't Trax a parking lot now?

DY: Yeah, but like, our manager got us a good deal on the gig so uh...when anyone shows up, we'll be like, there you go.

DS: Yeah.

SB: There you go.

ADJ: So. Yeah. Let's listen to one more song from Quakes of Awesomeness. This one is called "Missing Quaaludes." On the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(ear-splittingly awful song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, Quakes of Awesomeness. "We're On Quaaludes" is the song...

DY: "Missing Quaaludes".

SB: Yeah, "Missing Quaaludes"

ADJ: Oh.

RL: Sort of the same, but different.

DY: Yeah.

ADJ: And the album is...

DY: "Untalented, Unlistened."

RL: Yeah.

ADJ: And I hear you have a web site now.

DY: Uh, yeah....It's www.ourbandrocks.com.

SB: You can also get to it by going to www.willplayforfood.com/broke.

ADJ: Cool. Well, we're running out of time on the show. Again, for anyone who missed...uh, the earlier part of the show, you guys'll be opening for Duran Duran at the Pavillion on Tuesday night, and playing in a parking lot by the UVA Med school on Friday night. Does anyone have any last thoughts to share?

DY: We rock.

RL: Totally.

SB: Rock and roll!!! W00t!!!

DS: Dave's not here, man.

ADJ: So um...Okay. That's like all the time we have this week on the All-New Wet Paint Show. Join us next week when our in-studio guests on the All-New Wet Paint Show will be the new local funk opera band, Fountains of Dork. I'm Anonymous DJ, and uh...we'll...I guess we'll see you next time. 3WV.

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I wish I was kidding. I'm not.