I'm Back To Say...

What's Playing In My Head: "KKKramer Rap" by Captain of the USS Inevitable

Quote Of The Day: "What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment...in...people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profit by seventeen per cent, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went, 'Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?', so ... Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish." - David Brent, The Office (UK)

Stop making bad videos. I mean, seriously, just fucking stop.

This has been pissing me off lately, since I've been going to YouTube more. It's like there's no incentive to put out quality work. You'd think that the incredible accessibility of a site that allows anybody, anywhere to share videos that they created with hard work and talent would encourage amateur filmmakers to put out solid productions, constantly one-upping each other until the line between amateur video and professional video is practically non-existent.

Instead, we get self-proclaimed comedians who aren't funny, lip-synchers, bad music videos and endless clip compilations junking up databases of places like YouTube. Oh, the clips.

Things need to change. Now. I will help by laying down the following rules of thumb:

• If you're in high school, you should be immediately banned from posting any video you made online until you are either: a) 25 or b) old enough to have common sense enough that the video you made with your dad's Handicam in the parking lot out back of the high school is of zero interest to the general public. No exceptions.

• We don't care that you had and your friends had fun making the video. How much fun you had is totally irrelevant to my enjoyment of the video. In fact, the simple fact that you mentioned that you had so much God-damned fun is a crystal-clear signal to me that I will not like the video, because obviously you're more concerned with your personal video-making experience and far less with showing why anyone should watch the damn thing in the first place.

• If, in your own words, the video you're posting "sucks" and is "boring", then WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WATCH IT? Think, McFly, THINK!
  

• Note to teenagers of America: making a YouTube video of yourself and your friends lip-synching some crap-ass song - badly - is not going to get you on American Idol or make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. It is, however, a great way to be eternally remembered as the douche kid with a webcam that spent five minutes gyrating to a song they didn't actually have the talent to sing themselves (see also: Numa Numa - my knowledge of which is a constant source of embarrassment). Good luck with that paralegal interview when you're 25. Ass.

• Surprisingly, I have no problem at all with people making fan videos of Batman or Star Wars or Power Rangers or whatever. Actually, I'd like to see good ones of those. But here's a clue: when shooting your low-budget fan video, TAKE TWO SECONDS TO NOT FUCKING SHOOT IN YOUR BACKYARD WITH YOUR DOG RUNNING THROUGH THE SHOTS, OR ON THE JV SOCCER FIELD WITH THE NET IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SHOT. JESUS! Take some pride in what you're doing. If you're going to try to do a video around a production that someone took years to create, refine and produce, give them the courtesy of doing it right.
  

• If you re-edit clips of a famous TV show and call it your own work, repeating how many hours you spent editing and how hard it was, stop. Bash your head into the monitor in front of you. Repeat. Now maybe you have an ounce of common sense.

• If you re-edit clips of a famous foreign TV show to the tune of an American song and call it an AMV, kill yourself.
  

I hope this helps.