Friday, September 15, 2006

Brian's Driving Adventures #2: The DC 500

What's Playing in my Head: "I'm Finding It Harder to Be a Gentleman", by The White Stripes

Quote of the Day: "[T]he secret of a successful relationship is to become irretrievably embroiled in a bitter struggle to the death." - Mil Millington

Continuing on a theme, driving in the DC area is a daily exercise in keeping your sanity. Which in turn can be an exercise in impossibility when people stoop to douchebag moves on the road. Take this one particular scenario, which has happened to no one in specific:

Two cars are driving down the road. The first car (the blue one) we'll call Brian's Car. Because it is. The second one (the red car) we'll call Jackass Lexus SUV Driver From Hell #453. Here is a sample of what happens to Brian's Car on a daily basis:

Which makes the occupant of Brian's Car look like this:

Only he looks far more handsome.

The only place I have ever seen people use an exit lane as a passing lane and think it's totally okay and legal is right here in the Greater Washington Metropolitan Area & Insane Asylum. People with common sense and a moderate ability to handle a vehicle larger than a Huffy bike do not think this is acceptable. This is the rest of the country. People who have fuck-you cars like Lexuses, Infinitis and Accuras, no common sense and affordable car insurance rates, however, do. These are the people we need to get rid of. Now.

I used to think my life would be so much better if only I had a high-intensity laser beam mounted on my hood to cut down jerknut Washington drivers for being stupid. Only, I now know that wouldn't work, because it would only wind up slicing them in half, leading them to breed like amoeba. Which, in turn, would only lead Washington highways and streets to be clogged with even more assholes who think they're the owners of the road. This would not work.

Here's my idea: We need to have an impromptu road race, in the style of the classic Grand Prix. But don't close down the roads. Only the worthy would be told to stay off the streets - like the driver of Brian's Car, for example. Then, all the drivers left on the road in the DC area could be funnelled onto the Beltway with all the off-ramps closed, and we could simply let natural selection take its course. Give it a few hours, and BAM! Problem solved.

I should go into politics.


At September 15, 2006 11:11 AM, Anonymous Mediocre Fred said...

Letting off a little steam, I see. Well, it's perfectly justified. For me, the signature DC driving move is one I saw a few months ago: a guy in a luxury car pulled an illegal U-turn on a red light from the center lane IN FRONT OF A POLICE CAR. Nice.

P.S. The picture is an excellent likeness, but I thought you had a little more hair than that.

At September 15, 2006 11:55 AM, Blogger B.C. said...

Natural selection, I tell ya.

And I could have done a more realistic picture, but I wanted to go for that unique Andre Agassi/John McEnroe look.

At September 15, 2006 11:18 PM, Anonymous TrvlnMn said...

They do that in Los Angeles all the time. Pissed me off to no end. You're supposed to stand on the gas and force them off at the exit. That's what I always did (and never had an accident either). Of course they were always in a much nicer car than I, so I always had the advantage.

At September 16, 2006 1:48 AM, Blogger B.C. said...

This trick would work, save for the fact that the threat of an accident never deters these people. They'll muscle their way into you until you give up - which basically means that you're playing a high-stakes game of chicken. Not my idea of fun.


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