WOPR Gone Wild

Going off on a War Games tangent...definitely NSFW. (You've been warned...)

A Tale of Two Stations

What's Playing in my Head: "Feel Good Inc.", by Gorillaz

Quote of the Day: "Oh, Lord! Hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank you for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is – she kept calling your name." - Jimmy Dugan, "A League of Their Own"

I've been listening to the radio a lot since I've come to Cowtown, mostly because my XM radio car antenna's busted, and my mp3 player needs a battery charge. (Yes, I'm lazy. Shut up.) Unfortunately, I've re-discovered something that I've known since I started coming down to Cowtown years ago: Cowtown radio blows. Hard.

I'll be fair - Cowtown radio sucks because radio anywhere sucks. It's the same mind-numbing songs, the same tired formats, and the same carbon-copy disc jockeys fresh out of the Columbia School of Broadcasting. It isn't any better in the DC area, and it isn't going to change. (This is one reason why I got satellite radio in the first place)

I will say, though, that Cowtown has got to be the last place left on the face of the fucking Earth that has an honest-to-God-gouge-your-eyes-out-rip-your-lungs-out-with-a-fork Morning Zoo. It's on 3WV, and it's called something like the Big Crap-Ass Morning Show (I'm paraphrasing here). There's a reason why these jive-ass, five-minutes-of-music-and-45-of-bullshit-blather stations died out circa 1993. And since it's on 3WV, it's a double-kick in the ass because I like rock. There's nothing more I'd like in the morning on my way to work than to have my car speakers blaring hard rock. (So 3WV, please, PLAY SOME FUCKING ROCK MUSIC IN THE MORNINGS AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. Thank you.)

There's one thing that's saving Cowtown radio from itself these days, though, and that's freeform stations. Actually, Cowtown now has two of these stations: 106.1 The Corner (which started up a couple of weeks ago), and 105.5 SAM-FM. Ever since I got to Cowtown permanently, I've seen these two stations as total opposites on the radio spectrum, even though they basically do the exact same thing. Both have no DJ's, and neither one has a play list of the same 20 songs every hour. Both play lots of 80's & 90's songs, but neither one has news, traffic, weather or any of the other crap that radio suits say we're supposed to like. And both have signals that can be picked up strong in virtually any corner of Cowtown (except for Pantops, which doesn't count. Pantops never counts).

Here's the thing, though: SAM-FM and The Corner are two totally different stations. Why? Image.

SAM-FM has always reminded me of the abbreviation of some sort of secret military project, one capable of mass destruction, chaos, and oh yes, playing "Just What I Needed" by The Cars. I started listening to SAM just after it first came on in July of 2005, and I've always pictured their studios headquartered in a bunker in the hills of Orange County, with lots of WOPR-style machines with flashing lights and buttons and spinning tape wheels just like in the movie War Games. It's an automated station, so naturally, there's not a single person in sight at the SAM-FM bunker, just a lonely repeater broadcasting the same feed infinitely into the night, WGU-20 style. It's a military station, a guy's station for real guys.

The Corner is different. It's more friendly - Hey, how's it going, want to come down to The Corner, have a mocha grande and maybe listen to some music? Yeah, okay, that'd be cool, I guess. Where SAM is in a military installation, I see The Corner studios in the back of some small coffee shop where bohemian attitude comes with the plush couches, and a cup of joe with a funny name costs $4.00. Naturally, this is a place where a lot of women hang out, but they're all sort of off-beat or weird-looking, and they're surrounded by guys with names like Lance and Sergio who dress like artists and have strong opinions on women's fashion. I also see lots of newspapers and Nietzsche books lying around, being read by people who think the cartoons in the Cav Daily are funny. It's a kinder, gentler station that appeals to women, gay people, and quasisexual college students with nothing better to do than hang out.

Honestly, I like them both. I'm partial to SAM because it's closer to where I live, and it plays cooler music most of the time. But I'll take either. Anything to escape the crap that is Cowtown radio.

Also, it's cool to listen to a station that can start World War III. Or play some White Stripes.

Dirty Laundry

What's Playing in my Head: "Burning Love", by Elvis Presley

Quote of the Day: "The Pain Train Iz Comin'! Woo woo!!!" - Terry Tate, Office Linebacker

I was lucky enough to have taken Journalism in high school in the mid-90's with an excellent teacher who showed me the right way to do things and the wrong way to do things. That's the class where I first heard the phrase, "If it bleeds, it leads."

After watching the news last night, I noticed that Cowtown is pretty good about having responsible, almost wussy journalism. Here's an example of the news teasers you're likely to see down here:

ANCHOR: "Tonight on NBC29 News, an incidence of E. coli is found near University Grounds. You might want to see this. The news is next."

or

ANCHOR: "Next on CBS 19 News at 11: A tractor overturns on I-64, causing delays south of Charlottesville. We'll bring you the details next."

This is the total opposite of where I'm from, which is the yellow journalism capital of the Mid-Atlantic. Our news stations bring television journalism to entirely new lows, which is probably what you'd expect out of the Nation's Capital. As an example, here's these same stories as they'd be seen on DC stations:

AIRHEAD ANCHOR: "BREAKING NEWS now on FOX5...An E. coli scare is terrorizing thousands of innocent young students at a major university...in your backyard!! SKYFOX will bring you live coverage from the air!! FOX5 News at 10 starts after this message..."

AIRHEAD ANCHOR 2 (aka Peggy Fox): "Next on Nine News: A tractor-trailer explodes into an inferno of flames on I-66, snarling traffic for miles and leaving one man DEAD! Will this impact YOUR evening commute? Can this happen to YOUR VEHICLE? And are YOUR CHILDREN SAFE? We'll bring you all the answers after this on NINE NEWS NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!"

Like yesterday, I wish I was joking. I am not. I promise.

I (Also) Love This Guy

He's pitcher Zech Zinicola, a minor leaguer who recently moved his way up through the Washington Nationals system to Class AA Harrisburg and may be pitching in the majors before too long. He'll be playing winter ball in Hawaii (Christ, what a cherry gig...) for the Waikiki Beach Boys before playing again in the Nationals system next year.

The word on Zinicola is that he's crazy, in that fire-eating Chad Cordero, Spaceman Bill Lee sort of way. Which I totally believe after a well-meaning, but possibly deranged BPGer found the guy's MySpace site. I'll quote a few lines from Zech's Q&A:

Your Weakness: milfs

Your Fears: cops and hieghts

Your Perfect Pizza: w/ a beer

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: sleep with a milf

Thoughts First Waking Up: God Dammit

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: don't get me started

What country would you most like to Visit: Amsterdam, it's not a country but i want to visit it soon

Number of Drugs I have taken: no comment

Like I said above, I love this guy. He's my new favorite ballplayer of all-time.

Oh, and if you're not a baseball fan, well, sorry.



UPDATE: Okay, so I'm only a month late on this, but apparently, Zinicola was replaced by single-A prospect Adam Carr on the Waikiki roster, so he didn't go to Hawaii after all. Sorry.

Trainwreck Radio

What's Playing in my Head: "Even Flow", by Pearl Jam

Quote of the Day: "I was head writer for Alan Brady, maybe you've seen his show...It's not very funny and it makes my ears bleed...This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas, this week's guest star is DEATH!" - The Dead Milkmen, "I Tripped Over The Ottoman"

Was listening to 3WV last night on the way back into the Greater Cowtown Area when I heard this new show called "Wet Paint". The closest thing I can compare this show to is the old Saturday Night Live sketch called "Perspectives", starring Tim Meadows.

For those of you who didn't watch SNL about 10 years ago, here's a basic summary of every single episode of "Perspectives" ever done:

LO: Hello. It's 4:36 in the AM, and you're watching "Perspectives". I'm your host, Lionel Osbourne, and today we have in our studio noted political and social activist Laramiela Shaquayquay. LS, how's it hangin'?

LS: Very good. Thanks for having me on, Lionel.

LO: Okay, so you're with a national sociopolitical organization of some sort?

LS: Yes. The NAACP.

LO: Fantastic. And what is that, exactly?

LS: The NAACP?

LO: Yes.

LS: Well...It's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. It's the main civil rights organization in this country.

LO: Mm-hmm. And how colored do you have to be to be in this organization?

LS: Uh...Well, black. You really don't know about us? I mean, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, discrimination? Anything?

LO: Not a clue.

LS: This is embarassing.

LO: FAN-tastic.

LS: No, it isn't. For someone to be as culturally ignorant of his own people's plight...

LO: Outta sight. If you're just joining us, it's 4:38 in the AM...and you're watching "Perspectives". I'm your host, Lionel Osbourne...

etc.


"Wet Paint" has basically the same spirit, only it features an Anonymous DJ interviewing a local band on its way to fortune and fame. You know, letting us know more about an interesting, up-and-coming local act. Sounds like a pretty cool idea, right?

It's actually the least entertaining thing I can think of, other than listening to paint dry. Which would probably get better ratings.

Now, for your entertainment, I present my version of the "Wet Paint" show (names changed to protect the innocent):

ADJ: Hi. Welcome to 3WV's All-New Wet Paint Show, the show that takes a look at what's happening in the Charlottesville alternative music scene. And tonight we have in-studio the Quakes of Awesomeness, um, which is cool. So we have Derek Youngblood...

DY: Yo.

ADJ: Rhonda Lee...

RL: Hiya.

ADJ: Skitch Bryson...

SB: Uh...what?

ADJ: And Dusty Spinella...

DS: Is this on?

ADJ: Cool. Yeah. So you've got some sort of big concert going on this week, or something?

DY: Uh yeah.

RL: Think so, yeah.

ADJ: So it's like...you're opening for Duran Duran at the Pavillion...downtown, right?

RL: Uh, yeah.

ADJ: So this has got to be, like, the biggest gig you've ever played.

DY: Yeah, one of the biggest...I guess, yeah, I mean...we played Ozzfest this year...It was really early though, like before Ozzy came on, like at 2 in the afternoon. And they had us play out back, behind the dumpsters, on the loading dock. But we got to see the practice bat Ozzy bit the head off of in rehearsal, so that was totally sweet.

SB: Totally.

ADJ: Yeah. So.

DS: Yeah.

ADJ: So maybe this would be a good time to play a cut from your new album, "Untalented, Unlistened". The first...

DY: Oh yeah...This one's called "Razor Blades of Irrelevance".

ADJ: Okay. So...This is Quakes of Awesomeness on the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(Wretched song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, it's the All-New Wet Paint Show...and we've got with us in studio Quakes of Awesomeness. That was pretty cool.

RL: Yeah.

DY: Thanks.

ADJ: So uh, guys...are there, like, any bands that really, you know, influence your music or stuff?

RL: Oh yeah, totally...

DY: Yeah, like, you know...the guitar riffs of Anonymous Band You've Never Heard Of are killer. I saw them at the State last year. Totally rocked. And we got to play with Aging Hipster With Marginal Notoriety In The Local Music Scene in 2004.

DS: Yeah, he was wicked.

RL: Wicked.

ADJ: I also read here that you uh...like, got started covering songs by Really Obscure Local Aging Hipster Rocker With No Career Prospects at the Loser Ballroom.

DY: Oh yeah, total influence.

RL: Totally.

ADJ: Cool. Well, uh...like, you've got a solo album now, right, Derek?

DY: Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

ADJ: And it's called...

DY: It's called "Car Payments Suck". We like, put it out with Unknown Indy Producer With No Real Hits To His Name. He was totally cool to work with.

ADJ: He played backup on "Portraits Of Obscurity".

DY: Yeah. And drove the tour bus.

ADJ: Tour bus?

DY: Weed van. Sorry.

ADJ: Totally. So why don't we, uh...listen to one from Derek's solo album, "Car Payments Suck". This is "Portraits of Obscurity" on the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(more wretched song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, that was Derek Youngblood with "Portraits of Obscurity" on the All-New Wet Paint Show. And we've got Quakes of Awesomeness in studio with us.

DY: Rock on!!! W00t!!

ADJ: No doubt. So like, this show...you're gonna play the Pavillion on Tuesday...

SB: Yeah, we're gonna blow down, like, five square blocks of downtown with our sheer rockinness!

DS: Yeah, totally.

ADJ: Okay, yeah, and uh...you're going to play Trax on Friday?

DY: Yeah, that'll totally rock.

RL: Totally.

ADJ: Uh, like...isn't Trax a parking lot now?

DY: Yeah, but like, our manager got us a good deal on the gig so uh...when anyone shows up, we'll be like, there you go.

DS: Yeah.

SB: There you go.

ADJ: So. Yeah. Let's listen to one more song from Quakes of Awesomeness. This one is called "Missing Quaaludes." On the All-New Wet Paint Show. 3WV.

(ear-splittingly awful song plays)

ADJ: 3WV, Quakes of Awesomeness. "We're On Quaaludes" is the song...

DY: "Missing Quaaludes".

SB: Yeah, "Missing Quaaludes"

ADJ: Oh.

RL: Sort of the same, but different.

DY: Yeah.

ADJ: And the album is...

DY: "Untalented, Unlistened."

RL: Yeah.

ADJ: And I hear you have a web site now.

DY: Uh, yeah....It's www.ourbandrocks.com.

SB: You can also get to it by going to www.willplayforfood.com/broke.

ADJ: Cool. Well, we're running out of time on the show. Again, for anyone who missed...uh, the earlier part of the show, you guys'll be opening for Duran Duran at the Pavillion on Tuesday night, and playing in a parking lot by the UVA Med school on Friday night. Does anyone have any last thoughts to share?

DY: We rock.

RL: Totally.

SB: Rock and roll!!! W00t!!!

DS: Dave's not here, man.

ADJ: So um...Okay. That's like all the time we have this week on the All-New Wet Paint Show. Join us next week when our in-studio guests on the All-New Wet Paint Show will be the new local funk opera band, Fountains of Dork. I'm Anonymous DJ, and uh...we'll...I guess we'll see you next time. 3WV.

--

I wish I was kidding. I'm not.

This Is Funny Ha-Ha.

Extremely funny, especially when viewed after watching this. (NSFW, folks)