No Soap, Radio

What's Playing in my Head: "Take On Me", covered by Reel Big Fish

Quote of the Day: "If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" - Unknown

I've been retarded about posting the last couple of days, mostly because work has been hellishly busy and causing me to get home after 9 at night. (10 o'clock dinners? The hell you say...) I also have been retarded in not responding to k, who posted a couple of questions on the comments thing on here 2 or 3 days ago. (I'd mimic my blogging friend Mediocre Fred by saying "Loyal reader k", but that would presuppose some sort of loyalty to me, or that anyone actually reads my blog on any sort of regular basis.)

Since I'm without a post for today, and because I'm phenomenally lazy, I decided to take the easy way out and write a response to k. Sound good? Great. Away we go.

First off...great Nelson reference in this post. :)

Thank you. I've been called a virtuoso at quoting the Simpsons. The force is strong within me.

Secondly, as a radio person, I'm curious as to what it is exactly that bothers you about the BGB. When I was there, they played on average 6 to 8 songs per hour whcih is pretty standard for a music station morning drive. Is it bigger than just not playing enough music in the morning? Something about the actual content of the show that rubs you the wrong way?

Okay, here's the deal with me and BGB (yes, I do actually know the real name). I don't mind comedy shows. I've listened to one in particular - Don and Mike - since I was a brooding, sarcastic teenager (before I turned into a brooding, sarcastic adult). But this is what bugs me about BGB:

1.) This is the only real rock station in town (NRN doesn't count. If I wanted to hear 1 cut an hour from a band I've actually heard of, I'd probably go on BearShare and mash my palm on the keyboard.) What are you supposed to do for rock in the mornings when your only rock station is filled with a show that spends half of every hour not playing rock? In 2+ weeks of flipping past 3WV in the mornings, I have not once caught them actually playing a song. (My God...a song? What is this, a radio station?)

2.) The whole concept behind BGB is the usual jive-ass DJ "Whoo-whoo! Five-thirty in the AM, and you're listening to The All-New Morning Zoo!!! Starring Joe Bloe and Rice Aroni, with Jim Beam on the news, Penny Lane with traffic, and the rest of the wacky All-New Morning Zoo Breakfast Bunch!!! Stay tuned to win your chance to qualify to win an exclusive one-of-a-kind Arby's onion ring, only on the ALL-NEW POWER 105, baby!!! WHOOO!!!!!"

Insert loud, brash DJ, mix with loud, brash sidekick. Add stories "ripped from the headlines", and a fistful of obnoxious callers doing voices or their own bits. Rinse. Lather. Repeat in top 50 markets across the country. Voila. Instant headache.

3.) Honestly, I just don't find them funny. At all. I'd get more laughs out of a funeral procession (on the off-chance that someone might show up driving a bright yellow hearse). The jokes are corny, the bits are hokey, and the pacing is tired. It's like listening to a morning zoo version of The Alan Brady Show.

And I'm also curious as to how old you are and how old your girlfriend is.

Since you asked...The last time I checked my ankle tag, I was 26. My girlfriend, The Dazzling Brunette, is 27. (So far, dating an older woman has gone pretty well. She has not yet beaten me to a bloody pulp, or scratched curse words into the finish of my car, which are always good signs that a relationship is going well.) *

Personally I had a love-hate relationship with the BGB morning show (not the guys personally...love love loved them-and still do-personally). Some days they were funny as all get out. Other days I couldn't bear to listen.

I'm sure they're nice people in general. I just don't like their show. I will admit that different people like different things, but this is one thing I didn't like.

I hope that response was worth the wait. (You can stop laughing now)

--

* She has, however, given me the evil eye over the whole thinking she's totally insane thing from Monday's post. Which I fully apologize for. I intended to say that she is only partially insane. I deeply regret the error.

I'm Going To Be Rich

What's Playing in my Head: "Message In A Bottle", by The Police

Quote of the Day: "Health nuts are gonna feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." - Redd Foxx

Occasionally, now that I'm living in the Greater Cowtown Area (TM), I'll meet my girlfriend for lunch in town. Today, we happened to go to the Italian place over in Barracks Road, Casella's. Which has pretty good food, and most importantly, no waiting in line. It received thumbs-up from both of us.

On the way out of the joint, we stopped in to Bath and Body Works, as she wanted to get some $10 body wash that smells like sugar or ice cream or newborn puppies or whatever. So I tagged along, being that I had time on my lunch hour to kill, and I know what's good for me.

Being a guy in Bath & Body Works is like being a bull in a china shop, or maybe a gay guy in a Republican convention. Either way, you're horribly out of place, and every eye in the joint is on you. I actually am quite amazed that there isn't a breathalyzer at the door that checks your estrogen level before actually allowing you to enter the place. Too much testosterone, and you have to wear a scarlet letter or maybe a radio collar so that the dressed-up sales chicks will know that you're a prime target for their new $35 celery-kumquat-passionfruit elixir facial scrub gel mask. (And did you know that if you buy three, you get one free?)

I would hate shopping on my own in Bath & Body Works, which is why I don't. Two reasons for this. One is that guys are simple. Soap is S-O-A-P. It is cheap and plentiful. It does not require a special soap store from which all soap must be purchased at exceedingly high prices. The soap store for guys is called CVS, or Target, or maybe Harris Teeter. They do sell soap there. I've seen them do it.

The second is that even if you could convince me to pay $10 for soap, Bath & Body Works seems to change their actual product lines every five minutes. You walk in there, try to get a bottle of lavender honey milk body wash for your girlfriend, and they're all "Yeeaah...We don't make that anymore. But try our new geisha fresh silk body wash with oolong tea extract...Whoa, too late. How about..."

This one big upside of this trip into $10 Soapland was that I have finally figured out The Greatest Business Idea In The History Of Western Capitalism. This resulted from the following exchange between me and my girlfriend, The Dazzling Brunette:

DB: You disappeared while I was at the register.
ME: They had pumpkin-scented body scrub in there. I was looking at it.
DB: Did you like it?
ME: No. I don't want to smell like pumpkins. I want to smell like a guy.
DB: What's a guy supposed to smell like?
ME: I don't know. Barbecue? Ribs?
DB: Ewwww.
ME: I could bottle it, like cologne - Real Man Scents (TM). Now that'd be worth ten bucks. Or fifty.
DB: I don't want to smell you smelling like barbecue.
ME: What about popcorn?
DB: That's disgusting.
ME: Okay, chocolate. Chocolate! You can't get enough of that.
DB: ...

Like the title says.

One Laptop, Slightly Mangled...

I'm about to shoot my laptop, which has become infected with some stupid @&%$ing adware program that's made the thing go haywire. It also sextuple-posted my last thing about 3WV and the Yankees, which made me want to drop-kick the little trashbox of circuits this AM.

One thing I wonder, though...Other than being a total pain in the ass (which deviant computer nerds tend to be) and stealing your personal info., what good do these adware/spyware/crapware things do? If I was writing some malware garbage, the last thing I'd do is let the user know that it's on my system...

To the few actually reading this (especially those on CvilleBlogs), sorry. My laptop will pay tonight.

Start Spreading The News...

What's Playing in my Head: "Loser" by Beck

Quote of the Day: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks

My girlfriend, The Dazzling Brunette, told me this weekend that I am wrong for not liking The Big Fat, Hairy Stupid Morning Show on 3WV. (She also delighted in poster K's mention of the Billy Bob & Butch Show, or whatever it is). After listening to this show again on the way in to work Monday morning, I have concluded that she has gone completely and utterly insane. Or, if she happens to be reading this, is actually a fluffy little basket full of sunshiney lemon drops. Aww.

I will not go on about 3WV, because it's too easy a target. Instead, I'll take all my rage and anguish over a crappy-ass morning show and direct it toward none other than the Greatest Collection of Choke-Artists, Whiners, and Frauds Known To Man (TM):





























No, I'm not talking about the Redskins. Shut up.

My Name Is...(What?)

What's Playing in my Head: "Santa Monica", by Everclear

Quote of the Day: "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns

Chikka-chikka...

Since I've started this blog, a bunch of people have e-mailed me asking why I don't use my full name on here, and why I use an initial for my last name. They also wonder who I am, what makes me tick, what kind of porn I like. Well, I'll tell you. Four out of five of those, anyway.

My real name is Brian Cricezewskiewicz. I'm half-English, half-German and half-Polish, with a soupcon of militant Czech thrown in. I'm a forensic anthropologist, and I like to practice arc welding in my spare time. My favorite show is Dancing With The Stars, and I can cook up a mean gazpacho.

I was born in upper New England, near Presque Isle, Maine. I spent my childhood playing competitive team tennis and attending boy scout jamborees. After moving to the Washington area, I went to high school in the best of Anacostia neighborhoods and learned to drive on the Suitland Parkway. I earned a full scholarship to the University of Virginia, where I studied advanced psychochemistry with a minor in molecular neurobiology. Today, I'm one of the foremost criminal investigators in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

I'm so glad I could let you all get to know me.

Oh, and as a footnote, everything I just said is complete bullshit. Thank you. *


* Gratuitous "My Cousin Vinny" reference. +

+ Pathetic attempt to sound culturally relevant.